How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationships - With Friends, Spouse or Family Members
27Setting boundaries in your relationships is super important. But before you can set them, you need to learn how to figure out what your personal boundaries are and how to establish them in ways that will be respected.
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION, SELF CARE NEEDS TO BE A PRIORITY
PRACTICE SELF-AWARENESS
* WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY
* BE REAL, DON’T TRICK YOURSELF
* WHAT VARIABLES OF THIS DO I HAVE REALISTIC CONTROL OVER
* What can I do about it?
BE DIRECT, BE ASSERTIVE, BUT BE REASONABLE - DON’T OVER EXPLAIN
IN YOUR LANGUAGE DON’T GENERATE CONFLICT BY BLAMING OR DEMANDING THINGS, KEEP THE LANGUAGE ABOUT YOUR OWN NEEDS
START SMALL - IT TAKES PRACTICE, LIKE ANY SKILL THAT YOU DEVELOP
EXAMPLE OF STEPS TO TAKE WITH REAL LIFE EXAMPLE
1. Identify the behaviour that causes the resentment or discomfort
1. Simple Small Example - You like to read quietly before bed to settle your mind. It seems like every time you get your book out, your new partner barges in and interrupts you and starts to chit chat about random things
2. Go within and investigate what about that behaviour causes the negative energy to build up within yourself
1. You know your partner isn’t doing it to bother you - but at the same time, you are beginning to resent them or making excuses/hiding from them so you can get the reading done in peace
2. It impacts your ability to quiet your mind, or delays your ability to get ready to rest
3. Let your partner know about the boundary
1. “I really need to read quietly before bed. It helps me to relax and settle my mind. I would very much appreciate it if I could have this time to myself before going to sleep at night"
4. Usually, that’s enough - but if they continue the behaviour
1. “Remember the other day when I said I needed time to myself before bed? I still haven’t been getting that. It makes me agitated and unable to rest well. I need us to make this a priority so I can keep my nightly routine."
5. If it’s still not enough, the next time they interrupt you
1. “I know you’d like to talk right now, but I really need this time to myself. Please give me some space and we can talk about what’s on your mind tomorrow"
6. IF it continues past the 3rd time, something else is going on. Honest communication and asking straight out why the boundary is being ignored might be able to help you understand their position better. Ultimately though, the boundary should be maintained. Boundaries are about self-care and about you. Is this a trend you notice with a lot of your boundaries? Do you believe the capability exists in the relationship for your partner to respect your boundaries? If not, maybe this partnership isn’t the best one for you. Sometimes this takes some back and forth - especially if you’re the type who’s always buckled or never established your boundaries in the first place. It’s a big change for your partner as well, so try to be patient.
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