Commercial Break #4: Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun (1999)
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I know a few people who wanted to conquer the world. I'm talking about real go-getters; the kind that wake up before noon and actually do stuff. They drink their coffees, snap on their ties and prepare for a harsh world that they want to dominate. They'll talk about gathering up all of the guns and overthrowing the government. They also forcibly moved everybody they know into a small cabin out in the middle of Oregon. Actually, now that I think about it, I might be part of a militia.
Either way, this Command & Conquer commercial doesn't make world domination look very fun. Oh sure, it's easier than I think, but it also appears to be uncomfortable. Here's a guy who is so large that he's literally standing on all of Canada. He's so tall that even if the guy could get used to all the ocean water, he still wouldn't be able to find a comfortable sleeping position. And think of all of those innocent people he's crushing. I mean, sure, it's only Canada. But he could do a lot of real damage if he's not careful.
The real worry is that his enormous weight could send the entire Earth out of orbit. Suddenly the planet has more to worry about than some asshole gamer stepping on Canada. Half the world becomes an uninhabitable ice tray as we slowly float away from the sun. The other side of the planet sends actors into space to destroy asteroids, because that's the only plan Hollywood ever came up with. We're all doomed. The good news is that we have Chad to blame for this whole mess ... though I hear he likes to go by Xander these days.