The Anthony Review: Jupiter Ascending
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Transcript:
A young housekeeper who longs for wealth and love, goes from scrubbing toilets to being the centerpiece of an intergalactic feud waged by royal siblings. While she is hunted from every direction, the only thing keeping her alive is the hybrid man-wolf who was sent to protect her.
This is Anthony's Review for Jupiter Ascending.
Almost unanimously, Jupiter Ascending has received painfully low scores, but this is because people don’t understand it. The Wachowski’s are not hit and miss filmmakers. They are the Chuck Norris of directors. They hit exactly where they mean to hit. If you thought it was bad, they hit and YOU missed. I am not being ironic, nor am I being facetious. The Wachowski’s are black belts at this and simply don’t care if it goes over your head. All that said, do I love Jupiter Ascending? Hell no. It’s not a movie. It’s a thesis with bad jokes.
You see Jupiter Ascending’s release is badly timed. In order for people to see the very obvious satire, the unmistakable mockery, it needed to be released during the final installment of Twilight. Channing Tater-Tot is half wolf, half man. What was Jacob Black from Twilight? Do you see it, yet? How much more on the nose does this get? During the entirety of Jupiter Ascending, Mila “That 70s Show” is helpless, rarely active and really only cares about one thing for most of the movie: getting into Channing Tater-Tots pants. All this disguised in a plot deliberately plagiarizing Anastasia, Cinderella, The Terminator and perhaps even Twilight. They hate the damsel in distress trope and they hate weak female characters. But to just do a straight up spoof is of no interest to the Wachowski’s. They impulsively confuse you by adding quality action scenes, quality visual effects, extremely creative concepts and a slew of fun fictional explanations for many myths and conspiracy theories. But while the Wachowski’s believe in building in more levels than Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2 combined, for most people, it’s like being a 2-dimensional being trying to observe 3-dimensional art.
Even the title is a joke. Jupiter is the name of Mila Cuteness and I assure you, she does no ascending in the entire film. This was NOT a mistake. The Wachowski’s have the aptitude to make strong, active female characters. Their very first film was Bound, Trinity was just shy of being equal to Neo in the Matrix. Monica Belluci & Jada Pinkett Smith were not to be messed with in Matrix Reloaded, at the end of Matrix Revolutions, we find out the whole process was controlled by the Oracle… a WOMAN. In V for Vendetta, Padme Amidala is very active and is forced to find the strength of Hercules before V lets her go free. In Cloud Atlas, lots of stuff happened and there were strong female characters. It is literally a Wachowski trope to have strong female characters. And if TheOnion.com made movies, Jupiter Ascending would be the article on terrible female main characters.
So where exactly does this leave us? The best date movie ever made. Jupiter Ascending was released right next to Valentines Day. I don’t think this was a mistake. Whether you get all the aforementioned concepts or it looks like just a bad overblown, big-budget movie, it will leave you with so much to talk about. I promise you this, if you take a date or a significant other to watch this film, listen closely to what they have to say because it will teach you volumes about that other person. You will know right away if that is the person you are supposed to ditch or spend the rest of your life with.