Game:

Conker's Bad Fur Day (2001)

Duration: 1:34:16

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uuuuurrrrgghhhhh i hate that clubbing level its SOOOOOOOO annoying!!!! \:|

at least its over and done with, i probably also struggled because i just woke up..

after my coffee id probably be more calm and less adgitated (coffee doesnt wake me up..i think thats to do with my adhd, however it makes me calmer and my mind clearer)

im crappy at gaming anyways lmao but i dont play em to be good i just play games because i like it and i think its fun and despite constantly dying in the game i cant help but recording all of my gameplay and showing it to you all.. some weird kind of ritual/hobby/weird self fuffilling schedule i have- well its not a scedule as i dont have one- its more like obsessibely and compulsively doing it as it feels wrong to game when im not recording, like it doesnt feel right-just feels very off and i get a weird feeling in my stomach when i forget to record- i cant game if im not recording my brain needs to record every game i play it gives me a dopermeme hit, when i dont record my gaming then i feel empty

its like the whole point of my channel is to kindve releave something in me
(not in a weird way dont take it like that) like its just an itch i need to scratch and when i dont scratch the itch then i feel like everything is wrong and feels wrong and kinda like a strange mental health/nostalgia diary

even though i talk to you all i dont do this content for any of you i do it for myself and for me to fuffill this strange itchy obsession i have. thats another reason why i dont upscale my content and make it better. its like im happy talking to people and im aware that my content isnt good and needs alot more work but that isnt on my mind. if i dont do this then im not happy im trying to drown out my seasonal depression (i get it bad in spring and summer) and this is how i do it

i dont really play consoles a lot as i cant record on them and i dont wanna just film the telly when playing because it makes me feel extremely self concious and i rarely talk in my videos because i am extremely self concious

its like when i talk to people in real life i hyperventilate and i hold my breath when im near people but thats probably anxiety its like when im near people my chest gets tight and i feel faint so normally i excuse myself to be alone. ive never been a people person because i feel like im being boring or annoying its like even when i know im not being annoying i still avoid people. and if people are interested that also pushes me away as i just feel like i just avoid everyone even when i try to be friends with people my brain avoids them and i do the same

i dont feel like i "shitpost" and its not "ragebait" i do this because its theraputic and i feel like my brain needs to do this to make myself happier and calmer

i dunno what this is but i dunno if its normal, it feels like a weird obsession

i dont think its an addiction because i stop for months carry on. stop for months carry on. stop for months carry on- kinda like a loop or am endless cycle

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