SidelinZ - January [FULL ALBUM]

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Published on May 2, 2021 4:31:32 AM ● Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlVbAbknAMg

Duration: 15:38

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This is an album I put out earlier this year recounting my experiences with trauma and PTSD. On January 11, 2016, during my senior year of high school, a gunfight broke out in the parking lot behind my apartment, I was struck by a stray bullet while I was in the kitchen. I spent over 2 weeks in the hospital, and well over a couple months to fully heal.

0:00 Bowie

This song is titled "Bowie" because the day before the events took place, David Bowie died. The day of, the 11th, was a Monday. During the school day the only thing I remember was a conversation a friend and I had about Bowie's death. It stuck out because that's what I used to call him as a nickname.

1:40 Good Day, Bad Night

Overall the beginning of the day was good. My friend and I went to the store to grab a couple things, including super glue for a collectible figurine I accidentally broke. We played Call of Duty, and eventually he went home. Later on, I decided to start gluing my figurine in the kitchen. The part that broke off was in an awkward spot, so I had to hold it in place. I was hunched over my counter holding the part in place, and then, out of nowhere...

2:57 The Incident

Gunfire rages in the parking lot. My immediate response was fear. My second response was the inability to breathe. My third response was simply looking down at my chest, only to realize I'm gushing blood. My fourth response is to look behind me. I see a hole in the wall with smoke coming out of it. Then the realization hit me. I rushed to my brother's bedroom where my mom is reading him a bedtime story. I scream in panic, "I've just been fucking shot.". Disbelief ensues, I drop to my knees, my mother helps me up, and leads me to her bed. I collapse face first into the sheets, luckily still conscious. The police and paramedics came almost immediately, and I was rushed to the hospital.

4:36 Hospital

The hospital visit was terrifying. I won't go into gruesome detail. I had numerous surgeries and operations. Initially the paramedics thought the bullet struck my right lung, but it went directly through my liver. I had an excess amount of fluid in my body due to this, making it impossible to breathe, eat, or go to the bathroom properly. I had to get these things called "chest tubes" put into me to drain the bile out of me. It started with one, and ended with three. All I remember from the first night was the doctors ripping my clothes off, and sending me into an operating room so they could close the wound. I passed out on the table, and woke up in a bed.

5:45 Lungs

As I said, it was impossible for me to breathe properly. the deepest breath I could take was at about 10% capacity. It hurt to breathe as well. Over time, my breathing improved, but it wasn't back at full capacity until around a month after I returned home.

6:40 Trapped

I was stuck in this hospital for over two weeks. I familiarized this as my current home, because I had no idea when I'd leave, or if I'd even make it. My father worked at another hospital in the area, and my case was big news in the area. A couple of the doctors at his work mentioned it to my father, and they said they didn't think I'd pull through. I learned this pattern of wake up, take medicine, migrate to the chair, take more medicine, take painkillers, so on.

8:02 Learning How To Walk

I quite literally had to relearn the process of walking. It was agonizing. at first I could barely manage getting out of bed. Eventually I was able to walk around the floor of the hospital, albeit very slowly and carefully.

10:07 Friendship and Love

I'd be dead if it wasn't for my girlfriend at the time. She started a hashtag #plaidforzak at my school, and it spread like wildfire. The local news even covered it. Overall, almost 300 pictures were taken and uploaded to Facebook of people wearing plaid to support me.

11:35 Forgotten Faith

I was never really Religious, but for a while this was the nail in the coffin. Though this song has less to do with religion, rather hopelessness, "when will I go home?"

13:14 Home

Eventually, it was finally time to leave the hospital. the car ride was terrifying. I held a small pillow underneath my arm where the chest tubes were, and I continued to do so for months. When I entered my house, I didn't recognize it at all. It was smaller, emptier, and different. This wasn't my house. Enter: Dissociation. I sobbed when I looked into the mirror.

13:50 Trauma

Naturally, my story still continues. It's been over 5 years since this all happened, yet I remember it all so vividly. I don't have a hard time talking about it, and I've been with the same therapist since March of 2016. The wounds are metaphorically still fresh. Unfortunately, this is something I'll have to remember until I die. I've since been diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, General Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, and Panic Disorder. I'd like to think that whatever higher beings are out there Nerfed me because I was too powerful.

It's all uphill now.