Duration: 40:03

21 views

3

Very select people irl are even aware of this channel's existence, so I figured "why not?", nobody I know will not really see this.

I tend to like my privacy, but I wanted to get it off my chest and desperately need to say it and help myself in some way.

* Full details:

I'm rambling a lot as of late because I haven't had a clear mind for a long time or have very good memory recollection, especially when tired doing this at night.
Been like this for the past few years but just gets worse as time passes and has reached all-time lows.
I feel very alone right now and can't follow any destination in life I want to follow or have guidance or someone to fall back on.

I'm lost while not being lost in the most stressful time of my life and it's affecting everything I do right now and a lot of my decisions and emotions, and further deteriorates my already unhealthy mind which then affects stuff like body, eating very little, insomnia, desire to do things, my posture, tense muscles, shoulders, and anything else I can't think of.

I keep acting like nothing is happening when there's obvious cracks showing even a blind man can see. I'm not doing it on purpose tho, I think maybe it's my mind trying to move on and think elsewhere. I've been told by friends that I am depressed but it's not like I'm sobbing or really sulking, but maybe that's because I'm occupied 24/7 idk. I'd never be able to hurt myself anyway even If I wanted to that badly, so that's out of the question. If I stop then things get worse and I'm quite literally doing nothing at all other than maybe slowly fading into sleep which I never let myself do in the day in the slightest.

I really need help but don't have a way to get it the way I need it.
There's the layer of my relationships with family but ofc I'm not bringing that up in the slightest.
There's also lack of relationships I need the most but lack the courage and feel to weak to strive for and feel hopeless when thinking about how to approach it even when I need it the most and feel even more incomplete without. I know very cryptic and obvious what I mean at the same time.

Anyways, I think the main takeaway from this is to not let people of power over you ruin your life in front of your eyes and try to spend time with that one kid that you know. You'll never know what kinds of massive favors you give them just by talking whether they approach you or you approach them. Just talk about life even If it's trauma dumping, that's something everyone can bond over and always helps.

Unfortunately, I don't get to do it often myself and had to resort to here.

I think I'll be fine just please don't approach me If you're ****that**** concerned before you make things worse. 👍