Connect Before You Redirect A Parenting Lesson That Changes Everything
0Top o' the Mornin' to Ya!
It's time for my 11-year-old daughter Liz to learn how to mow the grass. Maybe she's a year late, maybe a year early - but she's ready, and we've got a lot of grass that needs cutting.
What?
Today it's 38 degrees, blustery and blowing around, and I told Liz we should go out after school to practice on our small patch of grass that gets full sunshine - about 30 by 30 feet. This little section grows faster, happier, and thicker than the rest because it's not covered by trees.
Her response was immediate: "Oh, can we wait and do it another day? It's kind of cold today."
Instead of just pushing forward or dismissing her concern, I said, "Yeah, well honey, one of the things is I don't like to do things when it's a little bit uncomfortable either, and sometimes we have to do that."
This reminded me of a principle from the book "No Drama Discipline" that has transformed my parenting when I'm on target (and I'm not always on target). Instead of just redirecting behavior, their instruction is to connect first, then redirect.
Why?
When she asked if we could do it another day, I first made sure I understood what she was talking about rather than projecting my own assumptions. I could have assumed she was just being lazy, but I checked my thinking and realized she genuinely felt uncomfortable about the cold weather.
By acknowledging that I also don't like doing uncomfortable things, she was able to feel that connection and love from her daddy. That connection created the foundation for whatever instruction would follow.
Lesson
When I'm parenting well, I connect first by identifying with my child's experience. I acknowledge their thoughts and feelings toward something and make that genuine connection before any redirection happens. I make sure I'm listening and that they feel heard.
Sometimes this process is quicker than others, especially if there's already a battle or argument brewing. But the pattern remains: "Oh, I see that. I understand that. You're upset with your sister and you'd really like things to go this other direction, and you're not going to like it, but right now we have to do this because of that."
Sometimes this approach works beautifully. Other times it doesn't. But consistently, it exemplifies and shows love, care, concern, and problem-solving as a parent so my children can learn and model the same behavior as they grow into adults.
Apply
My job isn't to get my kids to love me - it's to help my kids become the best adults, the best people they can possibly be. This connect-then-redirect approach teaches them how to handle their own uncomfortable situations with empathy and wisdom.
This principle works beyond parenting too. We hope for this same approach in our companies, churches, and communities. Whether you're leading employees, church members, or community volunteers, connecting before redirecting creates stronger relationships and more effective guidance.
Think about the relationships in your life where you have influence. Are you connecting first before redirecting? Are you acknowledging people's genuine concerns before asking them to move in a different direction?
This small shift in approach can transform how people receive your leadership and instruction, whether they're 11 years old or 53 years old.
You be blessed!
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