Editing Matte Black and Orbis (At long last an Edit!!)
0Here are the notes to Orbis:
ORBIS TV Pilot:
P1 - Great char description using clothes and having the age
P1 - Show me something that the intruder does IN SCENE (not just his name) that shows me he's different than the other people and an intruder.
P2 - Beware on the nose dialogue
P3 - if possible - be gentle with overusing ing / ly words
P3 - She has pretty epic karate skills - if this is the real world I need to get a sense of how its possible
P3 - don't use BEAT if you can - try to fill in with something that will ADD to the scene.
P4 - Beware the jokey tone in action - just decribe what happens in a way that the content is funny.
P3 - but why is she using blunderbuss pistols
P4 - a phone call isn't a strong end to a teaser - perhaps a reveal about the rock she just stole? We already have a feel for her modivations - the call feels too expository-- and getting paid isn't that cool
P5 - Wallah -- Voila - unless the scientist would pronounce it wrong
P5 - Walter is standing -- walter stands // AVOID IS and passive writing bits // is holding -- holds
P6 - dialogue sounds a little funky here - look at photo then this -- just: look at this.
P6 - I like the indy reference but feels a little on the nose
P6 - beware long lines - it could be you trying to sneak in too much exposition
P7 - You saw the photo right? The symbols in this sample are connected to the heiroglyphs in that tomb. Can you comprehend the profound impact this could have on science? History even! This is a once in a lifetime discovery! I...I'd be up for a Nobel prize! We need to tell people!
-- This is a world changing, no, shattering discovery.
P8 - nice conflict here with Jay and Stephen
P9 - for a trained scientist Stephen really seems stupid to want to double cross a trained assassin, and his escape seems too possible for how much of a badass we know she is.
P10 - like that Jay is afraid of these people - makes them seem really scary since she's so tough, but stephen is dumb. like unbelievably dumb.
OVERALL
GOOD:
--like the core plot idea - strong and fun story
--cool heiroglyphs setup and all the egypt mythology is good
--overall smooth action writing - read well
IMPROVE
--outside of the first scene Jay is very reactive. Only texting while Stephen makes discoveries then has to react and chase him. etc. What makes her worth reading about
--Stephen is dumb. Like real dumb.
--The Evil elder is a bit predictable, and shooting stephen to get him to come around seemed obvious - what's a more creative, in the world way to do this?
FROM CHAT:
Majin:
ive been playing a game while listening so my notes arent exactly plot oriented since ive only caught bits and pieces and glances at the prose
Imp3nded: lol
Twitch Prime MajinBuu1831: but it seems competently structured from a formatting point of view. needs a little style which happens after a writer masters the basics and isnt afraid of how to say what they want to say
Twitch Prime MajinBuu1831: ie more active sentences. more command of making the right sentences seem more important
Twitch Prime MajinBuu1831: i like o you intro bayram and elder as all caps on theit own lines
Twitch Prime MajinBuu1831: but dont be afraid to use a lead in sentence and isnt complete, but moves into the caps name on a new line so it flows into the character name intro