Editing Scriptshadow's Tournament Finals - What Remains and The Bait and Wyrde - FBE
0VOTE: THE BAIT
The Bait
P1 - We've already gotten the description and we know it's awkward the extra line about Hot as hell seemes redundant
P3 - Description is a little too abstract for my tastes
P5 - Misspell neither
P7 - Michelle - I want a hint of the PAIN behind her jadedness because I see jaded but I don't care
P9 - Michelle's convo with friend is pretty pure exposition with a few callback jokes
OVERALL:
--Funny setup but character a little unlikable without much to hang onto in terms of redeemable qualities except a vague jadedness
--Description is a bit too abstract and telly - want to see the visuals on screen.
WHAT REMAINS:
P1 - Beware the wall of text on P1 - understand for period piece but brainstorm ways to mitigate this
P2 - A lot of characters and jumping around early
P2 - Feels very standard for sword and sandal flick
P5 - that's a LOOOONG flashback consider adding some deeper marker like "ten hours ago."
P6 - Flashback to dream sequence is a rough thing to pull off, and I dont think this has the buy in yet from the reader
P6 - Not sure about the main character yet which is no bueno by page six
P9 - how is the fetch so exciting is he thowing the stick like a spear for
OVERALL:
--The flashback could probably be put in order -- start with
the death of achillies and intro ONE CHARACTER At a time or just (Ach / Ody / Pyrrhus)
--A lot of stuff going on and a lot of story threads happening - it is cleaner to start with one clear story thread before you bring others in.
--Odysseus's character is well developed I like that he sympahtizes with the trojans