FBE - Brooklyn Kid Part 1 - Editing logline and first pages
1Brooklyn Kid
Logline - make this compressed into ONE LINE -- I'm not seeing a clear throughline
if the logline jumps around alot, the story may as well :(
P1 - slugline should be "CHECKER CAB - BACK SEAT - DAY"
P1 - good hook
P1 - did someone random get into the back seat WITH KID? or is kid driving?
P1 - hard to visualize what a slick toungue devil would look like
P2 - the speach is really long on the edge -- seems like he wants someone to pull him down
P3 - beware jumping around from hook scene to something slower -- ALSO it's a BIGG
jump - to go from one place to another so fast
P4 - a lot of jargon and jumping around -- the reader is looking for some solid
ground to stand on
P4 - lots of characters early on -- hard to discern which I should care about?
P4 - tone and voice is really good, but this is very exposition heavy and I'm doubting
that the exposition is necessary
P5 - the doo doo prediction is a funny moment, but a little far fetched -- also
you probably don't need 2 pages of setup for this payoff
P6 - the josie dialogue seems off? -- this is also a LOT of exposition -- your goal
if you have to do expo is to keep it short and efficient
P7 - LOVE the mysticism of this -- pretty cool to see a mafia / brooklyn tone script
with magic in it.
P8 - the magic prediction is cool, but it's a little telly on the character journey
and theme -- let us FIGURE out what power will do to him over the story
P9 - beware the TONS of characters
P9 - the tone seems to straddle comedy and serious -- I know you called it a dramedy,
but it doesn't have too many big jokes early on. I mean it starts with a suicide scene
so comedy comes across as dissonant to tone
P10 - dialogue is VERY on tone for this type of film -- maybe have someone talk normal
give us some contract
P12 - Show the resentment of the teammates don't tell us -- have a scene of it.
OVERALL:
--keep it in the present -- is the past (the betting system etc.) necessary for anything beyond
the explanation of his POWER
--ok so we're going scene to scene through his whole life -- the things to watch out for
are having tons of characters that are there for a moment and gone - think about
forest gump... FOCUS in on a few big moments of his life and spend a LOT
of time in each -- and have characters follow him as he grows up.
GOOD:
--writing is really strong - good grammar poppy etc.
--dialogue is good // jumps around a little, but i can follow it .
IMPROVE:
--STORY STUCTURE -- have a single throughline polt that keeps MOVING
--the first few scenes feel like straight exposition -- ADD CONFLICT IN EVERTHING
(ask yourself the question -- without the suicide scene would the setup still
draw in the reader??)
--ensure everything is 100% necessary -- how do you do that? DOES THIS SCENE and
its INFORMATION DIRECTLY EFFECT THE CLIMACTIC CHARACTER CHANGE IN THE STORY???
--ASK ABOUT EVERY SCENE - if I take this out, what changes?
--trust your reader to not need too much backstory and explanation (focus on in-scene
conflict avoid diving deep into setup)
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