FBE - Amateur Friday Scriptshadow Mars Exploit and My Drunkle Kevin Edit
0VOTE - My Drunkle Kevin
The Mars Exploit:
P1 - CARD SUPER - just do normal super tag
P1 - what is a Red earth union uniform -- focus on description here
P2 - great picture transition
P3 - good "assembling the team" moment -- sets stakes with the
suicide as the first one -- makes me know the "report for duty"
is a BAD thing
P3 - ESTABLISHING SLUGLINE should have action words in there
describing what the shot is of AND don't have ESTABLISHING in
the slugline
P4 - the "OFFICER" or P.O. characters are nameless -- sometimes
its better to name them after a few lines
P4 - naming a specific race for a character can narrow the selection
of actors who can play them -- just be sure it needs to be there
P4 - what does contemplating the unthinkable LOOK like visually
for tavares
P5 - the pilot joke seems a bit random since it's not setup
P7 - good to bring characters together but we want to see a
LEAD EMERGING // UNLESS PURE ENSEMBLE then theme emerge as the "lead"
P7 - show K's shock - use for extra characterization
P7 - Avoid "on K" and other direction for camera
P7 - Need a bit of conflict for NAgaventi speech // also
the summons seems more like another day's work rather than
a horrific task
P8 - want to hear about how they FEEL being there -- they just
got pulled out of nowhere with minimal reaction
P10 - make flashback influrence current scene's outcome if
possible
P11 - I don't know how this relates to the MAIN PLAN so
I feel this is incongruous
P12 - lots of characters coming in and not much distinguishing
each so hard to tell who to care about -- GIVE THE MAIN ONES
BIG CLEAR GOALS
OVERALL:
GOOD:
--Smooth writing - well done and clear
--Mostly showed and didn't tell and it seems to be moving
along the plot
--interesting oceans 11 opener
IMPROVE:
--remove the telly moments that you have if possible
--give the characters CLEAR goals that we know early
--clarify who the main characters are and who isn't and deepen
characterization so I know the difference
--COMBINE ANY CHARACTERS YOU CAN
My Drunckle Kevin
P1 - SHOW the absense how do we SEE it on screen
P2 - LOTS of characters and the one I feel is the lead now
is KEVIN since he's the most distinct
P2 - Good visual, but be sure you're clear -- fingers / light
P2 - if some characters disappear later on, avoid highlighting
them so I can focus on who matters
P4 - Uncle kevin seems SUPER immature for 32 - but I guess that's
his character -- good showing some character depth here with the pain
P5 - spending a lot of time on goodbyes and grace notes
CUT INTO THE SCENE LATE-- a wave and a shut door
P6 - sits / sits = beware parallel words
P7 - starting to lose track of who's who - be sure to trim /
combine and focus charactrs
P7 - good comedy moment with Paula
P8 - Would gramps be so flippant about his daughter's death?
the scene's tone changes really quickly.
P9 - scenes feel a little static -- just arugements (good) without
exposition just kind of a dysfunctional family, but the STORY
isn't MOVING -- give a fake goal even to tide us over til the main
P10 - sarah putting him in charge seems 100% out of character and
think carefully about the "wind moment"
OVERALL:
GOOD:
--great dialgoue though it got long sometimes
--good CONFLICT in scenes, but needed a goal / direction
even before we got to the mom's gone goal
--could see the beginnings of the HEART behind the comedy
the sadness in the goofy character
IMPROVE:
--Lean out the writing / cut the fat EVEN if it factors into
a joke later
--trim character count or just don't highlight someone who isn't
going to be back a few scenes later
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