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4Arnold was thirty minutes late to school. And for good reason; the bus he took which generally got him there was in an awful accident. The bus driver was launched out of his seat after hitting a group of babies in the middle of the road, and all the students except Arnold who was busy being pissed off in the corner with a trash can over his head fell victim to the toxic gases released from the babies upon impact. He had hastily rolled out of the back, hoping to get hit by a car. He didn't get hit by a car, and thus had to walk the treacherous three yards to the school door. He took the trash can off.
When he got inside, he was immediately taken aback by the pungent smell of fresh doobie. Mrs. Frizzle was blazin' it in her room. All the other students were screaming in agony, as she had forgotten to let them out of the school building for the past three days, locking them in without food or water the entire time. It was a good thing Arnold was dismissed early last Friday.
He opened the door, and the entire class weakly fell onto the ground and began to crawl to the nearest water fountain, groaning like a bunch of very irritated zombies. Arnold sighed and stared at the asses of the meek children sprawled across the floor. He rolled his eyes and walked into the room, the marijuana odor emanating from the northwest corner of it. Mrs. Frizzle was staring blankly at the ceiling.
"Sorry I'm so late to class, Mrs. Frizzle. The bus got in an accident."
Mrs. Frizzle did not reply. Arnold looked down to the bottom of the Friz's dress, and saw a very familiar tail poking out of it, swishing back and forth.
"Oh, that's just gross."
After about fifty more minutes of the curly-haired reject and his teacher having a bit of a staring contest, the students piled back in the classroom, looking healthier than ever. They had roasted the lunch ladies in the oven in the middle of the science wing. Nobody even noticed. They filed back into their regular seats and attentively looked at their mentor, silent.
"Arnold, if you don't get back to your seat in three seconds, I am going to literally tear your eyes out of their sockets."
Arnold, completely forgetting the sound of his teacher's voice over the past several days, turned around to find the source of the horrendously scratchy noise that vaguely resembled human speech. It was a full twenty three seconds before he realized that it was probably Frizzle, and he ran to his seat. He was able to do this in more than three seconds because Frizzle was too buzzed to even move correctly. The tearing out of his eyes ended up just being her slowly moving her hand to the left.
She grabbed her whiskey bottle and dangled it haphazardly from her fingertips.
"Now listen here, you little shits. Today, we're gonna learn how to get crunk."
There was a confused murmur amongst the crowd, probably because none of them had ever heard of the word crunk before, except D. A.
"What the fuck's a crunk?" Ralphie asked.
D. A., in her bitchy know-it-all fashion, turned around to face him and slammed her leg on his desk, getting mud all over the poor child's face before wailing the definition at him.
Everybody unanimously understood with a reassuring "huh".
Mrs. Frizzle took a long swig of her booze. "Good job, Dee-Ay. Now get your foot off of my fucking desk before I break this bottle over your head. I have to pay for those, you know."
D. A. took her foot off of the now slimy desk, whimpering and returning to her rightful seat.
"Okay. I bought us eight tickets to the Lil Wayne concert next to the school. Since there's only eight, and Liz counts as a person, that leaves six of you to come with me, and two of you to stay. Arnold, you can keep your ass glued to the chair because I'm sure as hell not going to take your unenthusiastic attitude to Weezy's perfect stage. Wanda, you're too Asian to understand anything he's going to say. Sound good?"
The class was undecided.
"If you all come, I'll kill Arnold when we get back."
The bus was filled within seconds.
"See you bitches later." Frizzle smashed the bottle on the front of the car, pieces flying everywhere. The bus ran over a good amount of pieces, and the two front tires completely popped. Mrs. Frizzle, in her drunken stupor, just kept on driving the bus, her foot pushed fully down on the gas pedal and her other foot nonchalantly controlling the steering wheel. As the concert was literally only one block away, the class was there in only two hours, and they filed out the bus silently.
Back at the school, Wanda and Arnold were watching the clock go by, counting the minutes until Arnold's final demise. Arnold was an emotional wreck, and was sobbing uncontrollably while Wanda was pooping in the bathroom.
Wanda eventually walked out after hearing the crying, bringing with her a semi-soiled toilet paper roll to help sop up his tears. Her pants weren't on, but Arnold wasn't wearing any glasses so she figured he wouldn't notice.
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