Since the very first day - [Piano Composition #5]
9There has been a tragic story in my head since I was a teen, around 15 years old (2007). It messed up with my own memories, and for some time it made me doubt my very reality. It marked my life, ruined it in some ways, but also gave it meaning in some other ways. I never decided it, it has just always been there, and still is, being my main source of depression and anguish.
Real or not, this story follows me wherever I go, and I have no other option but to learn to live with it.
This story doesn't have a happy beginning nor a happy end, but somewhere in between, I can see the purest form of happiness. But at the same time, this is an unreachable happiness. One that I can only witness in my darkest dreams and mental breakdowns.
This song, just like many others that I have composed, doesn't quite feel like a composition, but rather as some sort of excerpt, a transcription. An attempt to try to express parts of this story through my limited musical capabilities.
I don't know what the story is exactly about. I can only grasp emotions from it, clouded memories of an inevitable loss, short visions of things that actually never happened and took me years to find out they haven't, an affection given by nobody, a farewell given by nobody. Something that my mind punishes me for not being able to remember, as if I lost my memory at some point of my life. A failure to conceive reality as a whole through my memories and feelings.
It's been several years since I have no idea what's going on with myself. The darkest hours of my life were caused by this alone. An invisible problem. One that I fail to make sense of. One that I can't explain to anybody, and that only seems to make sense to me alone. Just me and my false memories.