The Darkest Side of FFXIV - How It's Impacting Future Content

Channel:

Cole Evyx

Subscribers:

25,400

Published on May 30, 2022 5:39:06 PM ● Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwzZaiBXTMI

Game:

Final Fantasy XIV (2010)

Duration: 17:03

4,388 views

257

I deserve better, and I will make it so. Thank you for the memories, next stop is my own happiness.


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#ffxiv #ff14 #FFXIV #FF14 #FinalFantasyXIV #finalfantasy14 #finalfantasyxiv #FinalFantasyXIVOnline

#FFXIV #FF14 #FinalFantasyXIV

Timestamps:
0:00 Regret
2:13 PTSD and trying my best
3:00 Impostor Syndrome
3:46 My achievements and who I am
6:19 Social Media made it just so much worse
8:00 Ethics and Money
8:50 My day job is less toxic
9:09 Crabs in a bucket
10:00 When Asmongold comes back watch what happens
11:09 I wonder what Asmongold thinks
11:42 I don't enjoy this anymore
13:00 Lovebombing and then Ghosting
13:41 It's hurting my real life job
14:48 My Better Half
15:43 Future Plans for the Channel


Hey guys it’s Cole.

Let me start off by thanking you for taking the time to click on this video and hear me out, that means genuinely more than I could put into words-- so thank you.

I want to talk about my failure and genuine shame in todays video and the larger sphere of content creation and my plans moving forward. This has nothing to do with the game itself, I love final fantasy 14 and will continue to talk about it but in my way going forward. My problems lay more generally with social media and actual people and social relationships which obviously hurt and are more meaningful than just a video game. Lately there have been events that have been exceptionally painful and combined together with my PTSD, impostor syndrome and general shame frankly that spark of joy, excitement and fun went out for a while there. What started as bliss became an open wound people would start to fill with dirt and acid as I asked myself what did I do so painfully wrong? Or who did I do wrong and why do I deserve this?

But about that intro line. It’s changed up a few times lately but I’ve settled on this one.


I’m going to say Cole from now on rather than Evyx that because honestly that’s my actual name and that’s what this entire channel has been about since it’s inception-- me just having fun and wanting to give back to a community that honestly saved my life during the darkest period of my life.


(And I kid you not yeah it unfortunately really was that bad like one example in that tapestry of despair was physical essay that left me coming home on a bus covered across even my face and neck let alone my body in spinach. That’s just one thing but people will question what I mean by bad and I mean bad bad and that’s just the start of it.)

But I’m not going to rehash the events because things get dark and people don’t enjoy that so let me simply say it was all so bad I have genuine PTSD that makes literally anything I do like 5 times harder to do. Literally everything is harder to do. In spite of the PTSD I’ve tried my absolute best, I can genuinely in earnest say I’ve tried so hard and got so far I still persevered and objectively accomplished a lot I am proud of, or what I want to say I am proud of. If someone else did the same as I have I’d sing their praises without fail, but for myself? That’s nothing. In the end it didn’t even matter.

One thing that becomes especially hard is being able to even recognize what I’ve done. I don’t feel better than people, I feel subhuman. I always feel less than.

Even without social media I remember I was in one of my therapist’s offices listing out my accomplishments and she noticed that I can list them out very matter of factly but I feel nothing. Which the impostor syndrome is so intensely deeply real for me. I have tried to celebrate my achievements but it has no weight for me no validity for me.

Like who am I?

I hold down a job as a full time software developer during the day, a career that I genuinely found stimulating and I’m looking at taking my next steps in, little over 5 years in it now. I’ve worked on FDA regulated medical devices for years where I was held to objectively pretty wild standards for very fair reasons and I want to take many steps forward in my dreams and aspirations soon.

Through my first degree following the neuroscience program I accomplished so many things and won so many awards and accolades. I’ve been published for my scientific research in pharmacology so many times, and contributed to psychological research in another lab as well. Volunteering helping seniors, helping survivors of the worst traumas I won’t list here with their own trauma, doing cadaver anatomy on real people who donated and I was so skilled at it my work went on to teach medical and dental students.

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