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Final Fantasy VII Rebirth (2024)

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OK SO AS OF A FEW MINUTES AGO ON 5/13/24 EARLY-EVENING, ONLY 1.3% OF TOTAL FF7 REBIRTH PLAYERS HAVE ATTAINED THE PLATINUM TROPHY: I AM PART OF THAT 1.3% ^_^!
ONLY. ONE POINT THREE PERCENT. AT BARE MINIMUM THIS WOULD SUGGEST I HAVE THOROUGHLY THOROUGHYL THOROUGHLY PLAYED THIS GAME - I GUESS YOU CAN SAY 'MORE THAN AT LEAST 98.7% OF PEOPLE WHO PLAYED THE GAME)
SO: PLATINUM TROPHY: KINDA CORNY BUT IT FEELS LIKE IM IN A STADIUM WINNING THE WORLD SERIES AND THE AUDIENCE IS CHEERING AS I HOIST UP THE PLAT TROPHY AND EVERYONE QUIETS DOWN TO HEAR MY RESPONSE TO MY VICTORY SPEECH: IT'D GO LIKE:
"I JUST WANTED TO SAY.............. THAT............" (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
........................
"this game was fuqkin' retarded (LOL!!!!)" PPL SHOCKED AND PEOPLE TRYING TO POLITELY TAKE MIC AWAY FROM MY ARM BUT I ARM IT AWAY FOR MYSELF: "TOO MANY DEMENTED MINIGAMES, BAD COMBAT MECHANICS THAT TRY TO FORCE ITSELF INTO A SOULSBORNE-TYPE OF GAME, MINDLESS AND/OR 'GOTCHA' MOMENTS; EXTREMELY EFFING DUMB MATERIA PAINSTAKING ARRANGEMENTS; I CAN GO ON FOR THE NEXT 10 MINUTES! THIS GAME WAS IN TOTALITY A BAD FUQKIN' GAME! FUQK YOU SQUARE ENIX FOR THIS SHT GAME! *UGLY-CLASSLESSLY TOSSES PLAT TROPHY ON THE FLOOR*
LOL!!!! THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS DUMB GAME AND THE BEAUTY IS!! I'VE OBTAINED THEE!! THEE!! 1.3% CLUB PLAT TROPHY SO I DONT WANNA SAY IT LIKE THIS, BUT I HAVE LICENSE TO ASSESS:
5.8/10 FINAL FINAL ULTIMATE VERDICT.
OOKAY. SO!
NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD. I KNOW IT'S EASY TO SEE ALL THE UM 'BELLS AND WHISTLES' OF FF7rebirth AND GET ALL INTO THE HYPE? BUT IM NO AMATEUR AT THIS: I DIG IN DEEP AND PRACTICALLY AT PLATINUM AND DO A VERY THOROUGH JOB- LIKE-
IN OTHER WORDS, IF THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE GAME IS EXTREMELY GOOD (OR BAD), BUT EVERYTHING UP UNTIL THAT POINT WAS SHTTY AF (OR REALLY GOOD), THAT NEEDS TO BE TAKEN IN ITS TOTALITY, I GUESS WITH A BIT OF A HIGHER WEIGHTED AVG ASSIGNED TO THE END (SINCE IT'S THE END), MAKE SENSE?
SO, WITH THIS PROPER METHODOLOGY IN MIND, SINCE I'VE I THINK SPENT 200+ HOURS INTO THIS [SUB-MEDIOCRE] EXPERIENCE, I THINK IT DESERVES SOME UHH 'HUNKERING DOWN' TO DO A FINAL FINAL ANALYSIS AND VERDICT (ALTHOUGH I PROBABLY CAN'T GET EVERYTHING ALL IN ONE SITTING BUT HERE IT GOES):
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
EXTREMELY BAD: minigames- NOW THAT WE'RE ON THIS TOPIC LET ME ALSO SAY AS A GENERAL MATTER: OVERALL THIS EXPERIENCE WAS NET ENRAGING AND 95% OF THIS WAS DUE TO THE minigames- NOW, TO BE FAIR, THESE ARE IN FACT OPTIONAL, AND IF IT WERE NOT THE CASE THAT COMPLETED MINIGAMES TRANSFER TO SUBSEQUENT PLAYTHROUGHS, FLAT-OUT THIS GAME WOULD HAVE GOTTEN BELOW A 5.0/10. BUT I'VE NEVER EVER HAD THIS MUCH ABSOLUTE HARD STOP HALT EXPERIENCE MINIGAMING EXPERIENCE IN GAMING H I S T O R Y: I REMEMBER THERE WERE MINICARD GAMES (WHICH BTW HAD MATERIAL BENEFITS AS MORE IS COLLECTED) IN FF8 AND I NOT ONE TIME FELT THE MINIGAMES (MAINLY THE CARD GAMES) WERE OVEREARING OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN FUN: 90% OF MINIGAMES WERE 'VERY VEXING TO DOWNRIGHT ENRAGING' AND EVEN THE ONE AND PERHAPS ONLY FUN ONE (CHOCORACE) TO GET THE LAST FEW ONES WERE JUST NOT FUN. 7.5 MAX DUE TO MINIGAMES
MATERIA SYSTEM: FOR THE 1ST AND MOST OF THE 2ND IT DIDN'T REALLY OCCUR TO ME THAT THE CONSTANT NEED TO RECONFIGURE MATERIA IS VERY VERY TIME CONSUMING, AND SOME BATTLES REQUIRE A VERY SPECIFIC MATERIA SETUP- THIS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT WAS DELIBERATELY INSERTED (UNLIKE MINIGAMES), BUT IT'S ALSO DOESN'T MAKE FOR AN OPTIMAL EXPERIENCE: 7.0 MAX
COMBAT: THE ONLY TIME I FELT THERE WAS A CONSISTENT FUN-LEVEL WERE HALF OF COMBAT ARENA BATTLES AND THE CH 12 ONES (EXCLUDING RUFUS); THESE ACCT FOR LIKE 5%? OF THE TOTAL BATTLES? THE REST ARE BRAINLESS BUTTON MASHING OR, GET TO LIKE STAGE 9/10 IN SIMULATOR AND THEN THESE THINGS ONE-SHOT OR DO A PETRIFY. THE DEVELOPERS ARE UNSATISFACTORY IN GOING FROM A 2D TURNBASED TO A 3D DMC-STYLE COMBAT SYSTEM, AND MOST OF THE TIME THE COLORS BLEND IN TO MAKE IT HARD TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON AND, FLYING ENEMIES IN PARTICULAR GOING BUCKWILD ALL OVER THE PLACE MAKES IT HARD TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING: LOCK-ON SYSTEM IS POOR
6.2 MAX
IDK IF IT'S A TRANSLATION THING? BUT MOST OF THE DIALOGUES IN THIS GAME ARE VERY CRINGE: THEY SPEAK LIKE HIGH SCHOOLERS IN A PERSONA GAME BUT THEY'REEEENOT? HIGHSCHOOLERS? AERITH IN PARTICULAR VERY SPACE CADET-EY' AND TIFA SOMEWHAT AND CLOUD IS TOO MELODRAMATIC 5.8/10
TIFA'S WHITE-GIRL BODY FRAME (IDK WHY THEY DID THIS BUT FF7 ORIGINAL SHE WAS A TRUE BRUNETTE WITH HAZEL EYES; IN REMAKE THEY BASICALLY MADE HER LOOK KINDOF oriental? (ESP W THE BLACK-HAIR) BUT GIVING HER A CAUCASOID PHYSIQUE AND ABDOMEN BUT I DIGRESS; THE ABILITY TO SWAP COSTUMES IN NG+ WAS A MAJOR MAJOR INCENTIVE TO PLAY PAST THE FIRST: 6.1/10
THE 'UNFORTUNATELY-NOT-ENOUGH' POSITIVES ARE THE SOUNDTRACKS (SOME OF THEM)

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