Game:

Gex (1995)

Category:

Review

Duration: 4:15

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60

This is the worst thing ever.

(Gex © 1995 by Crystal Dynamics)

It was 1995 when the Playstation came alive.
PSX, not PSOne. It was the only one at the time,
And the system needed to climb up the charts
And into the hearts of players and nay-sayers.

So enters a wave of games to save the day, but hey,
What's this one with the gecko on the front?
By the way, was this a sign of the system's ferocity?
The cases for these games were monstrosities! Anyway...

This, as you see, is a 2-D platforming
3DO port, to make a long story short,
Which is why you can't use memory cards, only passwords.
Compatibility was a little ass-backwards.

So Gex is trapped in this world called the Media Dimension, but did I
Mention all the terrible perils he must barrel through?
Like this dude; he walks back and forth like a lemming.
And all of these guys do the exact same thing.

Yeah, some have projectiles or even a weapon,
And all the while there are pits you can step in,
But in terms of challenge there's not much here to go on.
The TVs just rely on you being a moron.

The reason the bosses leave me at a loss is the fact
That the way they attack is in patterns short and sweet;
Easy to defeat, if formulaic.
Even at the time this design was archaic.

Now I've said a lot, but I almost forgot about our hero,
The bug-chewing, quote-spewing ex-zero.
Sticking to walls, when the opportunity calls. He does this
Early and often and he never ever falls.

He can shoot out his tongue, to get health and new abilities
Like super speed, or invulnerability.
He can also gain fire, ice, and electric attacks
Which you might never run out of 'cause these abilities stack.

What the crap? There's power ups all over the map!
And there are more than enough extra lives to go around.
Just look at how many I've got in Chinatown.

44.

(Mini-rant)

Find these remotes, which are supposed to be hidden
But almost always near the exit, so who're they kiddin'?
And on top of the save feature, or rather the lack of,
The game gives you a score which it doesn't keep track of.

The traps are marked by items almost all of the time
And Gex never shuts up with the quotes and the lines,
But before it slips my mind, now's a good time for saying it.
The game still has the decency to thank you for playing it.

Overall Gex isn't awful or great,
It's just kind of mediocre, but the part that I hate
Is that the game is barely three hours long. Why's that so wrong?
It took me longer to write this song.

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