Long Overdue Editing - The Rent & Resonance
5RESONANCE
GOOD:
-- action flows smoothly
-- the dialog is snappy and moves the scene forward
-- the imagery and characters are cool "the skull" and "the shadow lady"
IMPROVE:
-- Give us some clarity on what's going on in the meta world and why we should care.
-- Grammar clean up is necessary
-- Consider other conflicts besides external violence.
-- Consider trimming the flashback
The Rent Seam
GOOD:
- I like the threats of the plague, assassins, and evil parliment, but I need them to be more present. I want to feel the pressure of these stakes on Juan.
- Writing and dialogue overall were awesome - great use of tone and voice
- Fun worldbuilding - you've written this place in a way that makes me want to hang out in this environment. That's an accomplishment.
IMPROVE:
- A third of the way through the story, and we've only gotten exposition is somewhat of a pacing risk - how can these scenes have UNCERTAINTY and CONFLICT
- There is still quite a bit of extra text in this story - consider trimming by a lot and leaning things down. Try a 50% draft and I think the story will be greatly benefited.