(Don't) Walk Into The Light |01| The Elder Scrolls: Battlespire [GOG]
1So there I was, standing before a pillar of light…
Not a metaphor, mind you—an actual, divine-looking shaft of ether, glowing like it held the secrets of Aetherius itself. Towering, humming, suspended over a pit of lava that gurgled like it was hungry for someone just like me.
Naturally, I reached out to touch it. What else would you do? Step into the light, I thought. Embrace the radiance, I thought. Instead, it yeeted me across the platform like a child’s discarded toy and bounced me off a wall. Turns out the exit is not that obvious. A lesson for the road, I suppose.
Winded, bruised, and slightly glowing, I took the only other path open—and walked right into a domestic dispute between three Scamps. Two charged me like I’d insulted their grandmother; the third just waited until I turned my back before pouncing like a drunk cousin at a family brawl. They were all hovering over a corpse like vultures at a buffet. The poor sod had scrolls on him—likely useful ones—but I didn’t have time to read his last words because wouldn’t you know it, Vermai. Two of them. Smelled like someone had tried to ferment a slaughterfish.
I ran. I won’t lie. Straight into the outstretched arms of a Dremora swinging a sword the size of my self-loathing. I slammed the nearest door and trapped him behind it—victory through carpentry, my favorite school of magic.
That’s when I found them—machines. Strange, rune-covered things humming with magicka, powering these blue beams like the ones I saw near the pillar. A note helpfully informed me that if the “five anchors” were ever severed, the whole Battlespire would collapse into Oblivion and take everyone with it. So naturally, I resolved not to touch anything else glowing from that point forward.
Then came the bridge. Gods, the bridge. Just rope and splinters dangling over yet more lava—because apparently, the Daedra love interior design with a murder theme. Halfway across, I see two floating sigils, pulsing with Daedric script. I think, “Well, maybe this is important.” It was. They blasted me clean off the bridge like I owed them money.
Darkness.
And then… light again.
I stood once more before the same pillar, déjà vu dripping from the walls. The Scamps were there. So was the corpse. The Vermai's claws scraped the stone in the distance like a ticking clock. It was all happening again—because here in the Battlespire, death is less a punishment and more of a suggestion. Time loops. Rules bend. And I?
I haven't even started yet.
But that's a story for another time.
Now how about a drink for your narrator? Something strong enough to make me forget what I just remembered.
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Welcome to The Elder Scrolls: Battlespire—a game so cursed, even the Nine Divines pretend it never happened.
Gone are the bustling cities, the open fields, the illusion of freedom. What remains is a floating death trap built for battle-mages and converted into a Daedric frat house. The developers took the engine from Daggerfall, stripped out the towns, and said, “What if pain… but vertical?”
Here, your inventory is a spreadsheet, your enemies are philosophical kink demons, and your only friend is the quicksave button. This isn’t an RPG—it’s a slow-motion plane crash with dialogue trees. Want shops? Too bad. Want rest? Hope you find a soul anchor. Want to understand what’s happening? Hold my tankard, I'm laughing too hard...
Each level is a Kafkaesque fever dream, stitched together by lore so deep and deranged it makes Morrowind look like Skyrim for Dummies. And just when you start to think, “Hey, I’m getting the hang of this,” a seducer offers you riddles, a flesh atronach eats your legs, and you fall into space.
We’re not playing Battlespire to win. We’re playing it to bear witness. To stare into the mind of Mehrunes Dagon and mutter, “...You okay, buddy?” Grab your spellbook, steel your soul, and embrace the suffering. The doom of Battlespire has come.
Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. Let’s overdose.
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🧠 #ThinkFastDieFaster
🌀 #BattlespireBound
🧌 #DaedraHRNightmare
⚔️ #CombatCursed
🔒 #PuzzlePurgatory
📉 #ImmersionBreaksBack
🎭 #VoiceActingVortex
🌫️ #LoreInLavaForm
🩸 #BloodForSkillPoints
🏚️ #OneDungeonToRuleThemAll
🧙 #ScrollsBeforeStability
🖱️ #ClickToPerish
🪞 #SigilKeepSyndrome
🫠 #GeometryHatesYou
🔗 #UnstablePortalsClub
🔥 #SpellcraftOrDieTrying
📜 #CanonicallyQuestionable
🍷 #DunmerDoomposting
🐐 #GoatsOfOblivion