Editing Scriptshadow Tournament (Week 6 of 8) - FBE
0VOTE: JUMP
ScriptCompetition - 10/14
Jump:
P1 - Using landmarks and seasonal moments helps anchor us in time
and place wise choice with a time travel movie
P1 - ANGLE ON - might not need this -- use description to show camera
not actual camera unless its REALLY important
P1 - "won't let you in easily" - show don't tell
P2 - good relationship problem = nice touch - but this is the opposite
of not letting someone in easily
P3 - This is exactly like nine 11 - might there be better options?
P4 - You do a great job showing she don't GAF so no need to tell
P7 - Is she a psychologist - this is a pretty overt way of telling
the character's internal struggle I'd avoid
P7 - That woman's insane can be cut b/c it's said the next time
P7 - good that the story is progressing here and moving along
P8 - trimming dialogue in here might help flow
P9 - beware dupe words - can be JARRING TO THE READER
OVERALL
GOOD:
--great story flow its moving really well here so far
--great mechanics and description - like how its flowing
IMPROVE
--Trust the reader, show the internal moments through subtext
not action or dialogue & avoid camera direction
--Clean up some character modivations - Anna boosting cars out
of nowhere felt really unexplained and sudden to me
BLOOD RED, SILVER SCREEN
P1 - Solid work on action and phrasing
P1 - Gives melissa a good choice in the beginning
P5 - Unless someone will NOT answer the question directly
avoid asking it.
P5 - repeating what we know here that it's a tough choice and
just setting up characters - give us that sense of progress
P5 - she doesn't even mention james with the guy - feels
killed as quickly as it was setup
P5 - Scenes like this will feel melodramatic unless you make us care
about what's happening as much as the characters do.
P6 - Make your parties feel UNIQUE!
P6 - right now it feels like there are no vamps in this world -
worried that it will feel random when they arrive
P7 - these internal thoughts are IMPOSSIBLE to express through
the action lines and they come across difficultly - trust your
reader to be able to infer this from a scene you describe.
P9 - this scene feels very forced - characters are taking actions
that nothing suggests they would do.
OVERALL
GOOD:
--cool world, and a valuable setup - a lot of people don't realize
that this stuff happens in hollywood, so good to bring to light
--Good writing mechanics and phrasing overall - read smoothly
IMPROVE:
--ensure character's choices feel motivated - a lot of stuff happened
but didn't seem reasonable
--consider combining characters - we have a lot of intros and action
but don't spend enough time with anyone to care
--Be sure to express internality with subtext and in-scene movement
don't describe this in the lines.