Scriptshadow quarterfinals Edit Dionaea and Raised by Wolves
0VOTE: RAISED BY WOLVES!!
Dionaea
P1 - What do her surroundings look like that tell us she's
in the future - descibe them.
P2 - This general language makes me feel like it's a standard
sci fi horror - show me the specifics that make this world
unique!
P3 - Describe what will show on screen ONLY - show their
tensing then relaxation not "okay, we're good..."
P4 - give us an action line of the hallway's looks . will help
anchor us in the scene
P4 - Flashbacks like this are risky - consider breaking out
into a full flashback, but also ask if this is adding to
the current scene?
P4 - use VO for these memory dialogues if someone is in scene
P5 - trust the reader - avoid explaining before showing.
OVERALL:
--Good writing and powerful dialoge - solid here
--A ton of action hooks early - be sure to root us in
a character we care about first - this can be short, but it
is necessary
--Be sure to show the internal moments you have in action lines
this can be a useful way to make the scene more concrete
RAISED BY WOLVES:
P1 - Good action description - all visual
P2 - good decision - to have him show that he's not happy
that there's a kid and it wasn't the plan
P3 - Dialogue is a little clunky - with him explaining his wants.
P4 - restating his "wants" feels contrived - consider
deepening his comm with communications since that feels more
realistic
P4 - ask how is this DIFFERENT than the professional...
P5 - a little light on conflict - no one is saying "NO"
or getting emotional in this scene.
P6 - This earlier day cut seems sudden / unprompted
P7 - The jumping flashbacks are a bit confusing, and I don't
know if I need the "what happened" download on why kat stayed
the extra flashback of the "pinball croud" seems overly explanatory
OVERALL
--great writing - action is super clear, and dialogue is solid
--flashback section may need a bit of work, trust your reader
what can we assume from their current relationship