I probably won't be uploading videos for a while.

Channel:

Simon Says: Let's Play Video Games (Archived)

Subscribers:

430

Published on October 28, 2012 10:51:29 AM ● Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHu6S6G5Pr0

Game:

Minecraft (2011)

Duration: 2:13

95 views

6

I know I tend to overreact and things for the camera, but sometimes those overreactions aren't just me exaggerating. This was a real event that happened while I was recording a new episode which caused me to, after the fact, step back and realise, "i really do have a problem".

Even though Briguy was clearly messing with me, my brain took it as an excuse to fulfill an urge to feel unwanted. So I felt unwanted and decided, okay, i'm done, he can have my shit.

The truth is I've been in depression for quite a while. It's something that I try not to think about, but it is there. My self-deprecation and overreactions are part of it. It probably came about from the abusive environment I'm in/was in (both on/offline). It's led me to hate myself, who I am and what I do.

It makes me feel that I'm the only one doing anything at home.
It tells me that I'm useless and unloved, even while my friends or my significant other tells me otherwise.
It tells me everybody has an ulterior motive for wanting to even talk to me.
It tells me there's no point in being social just because people don't have time to reply to a message.
It tells me that nobody wants to hear me complain about useless shit, so I try not to.
It tells me to let myself be used or abused because I need to make the other person happy.
It constantly forces me to daydream my own death (and the celebrations that ensue), but will never convince me to commit suicide as that would ruin its fun.

Sometimes life goes my way enough that I can actually enjoy myself. Viewers of this or my main YouTube channel, or friends who know me through other means, will know this. The question usually then becomes, "How long will it be before I start having enough fun that I raise my voice, therefore raising hell from my family for disturbing them?".

So, I need a pause from doing videos in order to try and break through this menace to my wellbeing. Thank you everybody that has subscribed to my videos so far, and everyone that has helped me personally realise what my problem is and how I can begin to try and stop it. I love you all.

--Simon

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