Duration: 43:17

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Original Blog Post: Have you ever had this conversation? “Look, it’s my first time going to get a “massage” and I’m not sure how to make sure my “massage” ends in a “happy ending.” I mean, if it just ends in just getting my body relaxed with a real “massage” I guess that would be okay, too… but I’m really hoping to, you know… get a certain muscle worked on… you know? Oh, you don’t? Look, mom, I need to go…” Well, if you have then you should be checking out RUB MAPS instead of asking your mom for Asian Massage Parlour advice. RUB MAPS is a consumer review site for illicit massages with an entire, active forum for its users. Unfortunately, you have to pay to see the reviews. Luckily you can see the forums for free and it’s a great source for all your “going to have sex with a masseuse” questions.

This time around I didn’t actually read any of the site reviews but I may do so if I ever revisit. I hope this doesn’t give you blue balls… Also, if you get confused by any of the slang in this episode please consult this amazing massage parlor slang guide. You’re gonna need it!

Original Airdate: October 2, 2019

Disclaimer: Lou Reads is a comedy podcast where things from the internet are read mostly without comment. The topics are read as closely to as written as possible. There is no censorship. Although this episode was recorded not that long ago, public attitudes towards sex, drugs, sex work, homosexuality, transgender people, and other issues, have shifted and this episode may contain language and attitudes that some may find offensive and outdated. View it as a time capsule and not a current take. The blog posts are purposefully sarcastic and not meant to be taken seriously.

These episodes originally appeared at loureads.com This podcast can be found on iTunes, Stitcher, and most places podcasts can be heard.