The Accordion Train - Editing a mysterious escape scene and talking about stream of consciousness
0The Accordion Train Notes:
OVERALL:
-- The prose flows well and reads nicely, just trust the prose you've already written. Sometimes I feel things are restated or reiterated when they don't need to be
-- Love the creepy circus concept and the evil Ringmaster - referring to a character by a title rather than a real name can be suuuper spooky!
Line by Line:
P1 - Page layout looks a little oddly spaced on PDF
P1 - A bit of verbal doubling between dialogue and the tag. The tag prob isn't necessary since the dialogue is communicating the feeling so effectively.
P1 - "...to home that..." This is summary when you've been doing such a good job of evoking the scene. Maybe show a steam of conscious thought, "Only two stop from home now... so close... so close."
P1/2 - Consider less summary in the thoughts here and leaning more toward raw and stream of consciousness.
P2 - "Every last thing..." this prob could be cut - also is a fragment so down't flow so well.
P2 - Core memory feels like a proper thing in this world - a magic tool? Is this intended?
P3 - "wasn't it?" GREAT JOB!!! using questions and stream of consciousness in thought - consider using this tool more often when you want to keep a fast pace going.
P3 - "she placed the v..." this implies that she's already sat down which is GOOD since it's communicating more with less. so it feels repetitive to have "Elena plopped ... " right after it.