The Power of "And" Over "But" - Transform Your Communication
0Top o' the Mornin' to Ya!
TLDR: Replacing "but" with "and" in conversations validates what you've already said instead of discounting it, creating more powerful and affirming interactions - especially important in parenting and leadership relationships.
You wouldn't believe what my nine-year-old's doing. Are you getting tired of hearing that yet? My wife and I have been in training and coaching for years, getting better and better at it all the time, going to more classes because we can get better every day.
What?
One of the tidbits we took away from training is to eliminate or reduce your use of the word "but," especially in relational conversations. For example, instead of saying "You're doing really good on your schoolwork, but we'd like to see some improvement in math," we learned to say "You're doing so great on your schoolwork and we'd like to see a little more on the math and how can I support that?"
My nine-year-old has really embraced this concept. We shared this with him and he's catching me on it all the time. Even he's catching himself saying things like "Oh, that was really fun when I went and did that, and I'm really having fun doing this other thing now" instead of using "but." Sometimes it is funny to hear any of us say "blah blah blah but OH! and blah blah blah."
Why?
I shared this story because what "but" says is "I don't believe anything I said before." It discounts or discredits what you've said first. When you change that "but" to an "and," it makes a more powerful interaction with that other individual.
The "but" crushes and wipes away everything that came before, while "and" validates it, reinforces it, captures it, and shows we believe it's really true while we're looking for this other thing. It's even better when you use the sandwich technique - say the good thing, the thing to work on, and another good thing.
Lesson
Feel the difference: "You're doing really great" gets completely negated by "but," while "and" validates and reinforces the positive statement. The "and" shows we've seen this, we capture it, and we believe it's really true as we address what needs attention.
It's transformational to see these changes in thinking, mindset, and mindset patterns. When my nine-year-old incorporates this intentional use of "and" to validate what he's said in connection with what he's going to say next, instead of discounting and blowing it off, imagine how much better he'll be at communication when he's older.
Every day or every other day, I hear him make a comment or statement with an intentional "and" in it to validate what he's said in continuance with what he's going to say next.
Apply
Do you use "but"? Where do you use "but"? Should you be using so much "but"? ;) Don't be a butt!
Write in the Doobly Doo below: Give an example of a "but" and turn it into an "and" - something you've used or experienced or maybe has been used on you. Share a phrase, correction, or direction where a "but" would've been better replaced with an "and."
Maybe you always say "and" and you can think about what if you had "but" in there and how much less effective and less powerful that would be.
Try this mindset, try it out with your kids. Start teaching and sharing this with them. The difference in validation and connection will surprise you.
You be blessed!
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#ButVsAnd #CommunicationSkills #ParentingTips #PositiveReinforcement #RelationalLeadership