this is why

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Published on July 18, 2025 10:16:46 PM ● Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRuWhSn7j5Q

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this is why. i have had 2 10 fl. oz. jack daniel’s black jack colas (4.8%), and 2 24 oz. bud ices (5.5%). not drunk and stumbling and forgetful, but definitely not sober. this is when i have control again. i am able to exist as i did before all this started. no ocd. no me. no nothing. back when everyday, mundane, normal motor-functions were performed with no issue. i feel like i used to. when i’d play spider solitaire as i waited for my fried egg sandwich and tater tots with bbq sauce. that was when i felt at most peace — and it was so brief — my real peace. ocd began in march of 2017, but it was just the light-switch flicking then. february 14, 2017 - november 2017 was the only legitimately happy, peaceful time in this existence (besides school throughout that time, that was still hell kill me hang me torture 8 hours a day). i don’t want this alcohol to make me myself again. but it does. it brings back that peace. that control. i can lock the door one time. i can slump into my chair one time comfortably. i can do (pretty much) everything, one time, easily, with no obsessions present. this is why. if you could return to the most peaceful time of your life with some cans of liquid — wouldn’t you? sure i don’t exist physically in that house anymore and i’m not 16 anymore — but i can mentally, wholly, return to my original mind with just some cans of beer. i get to be in complete and total control again. it’s like a temporary superpower liquid, like how the V24 works in The Boys. i drink it and i get to return to my original state until i pass out and wake up. then it’s back to no control and hell torture. if only they made a central nervous system depressant in a non-lethal, pill or liquid form. the same effects of alcohol, but with no liver damage or other complications — then i could live peacefully again. but let it kill me, who cares. i’d rather live peacefully until 30 than utterly miserable and tortured until 80.