Don't Get Tricked: Understanding the Question Behind the Question in Parenting
1TLDR: Discover how your children's requests for activities aren't really about the activities at all - they're asking "Will you spend time with me?" Learn why frequent, simple moments with your kids matter more than elaborate plans, and how understanding the question behind the question transforms your parenting from behavior management to relationship building.
What?
Don't get tricked like I did. The other day I was sitting in my office working, wrapping up materials and getting organized for the next day, when my daughter (who was about 10 at the time) dropped in and said, "Hey dad, you wanna play a board game?"
Here's the trick: I love playing board games and role-playing games. But Liz only wanted my time. In the 24 to 48 hours before this story, she'd asked two or three times to play the things she really wanted to play. And I was out - I had an evening event, or I didn't want to play them in the evening because it was almost bedtime. I was filled with excuses.
But for her, looking for and desiring my time was of a higher priority than actually doing what she wanted to do. She wanted me and my time more than doing the activity. And I missed it. I've been on alert for maybe nine months since that happened to not be tricked again - not that she shouldn't have "tricked" me, but that I shouldn't have set up the situation where she needed to trick me to get my time.
A couple years before that, I realized as an adult when I'm gonna play board games, it's a three and a half hour event. Dungeons and Dragons is four to six hours. Going sailing is three hours. All these things take hours. But for the kids, I thought they needed hours, but they don't. They just need frequent time with dad.
Just a couple weeks ago, Spencer and I were talking about a Sunday afternoon adventure plan. I'm planning this elaborate adventure - snacks, cooler, backpack, water bottles, drive 20 miles to hike by waterfalls in the state park. And he's like, "Let's just go out back and kill zombies." So that's what we did. We just went out back and killed zombies.
Why?
This experience revealed something crucial about parenting and relationship building: I was wasting more time creating grandeur when I am the grandeur. You as a father are the grandeur. You are the icing on the cake. You are the big thing, especially at ages eight to 13, and if you do that right, it goes beyond 13.
The revelation came when I recognized that if I just take 20 minutes and go play fully engaged with them, that's like for me the two or three hour board game night with my peers. This is not hard stuff. This is really easy stuff. But we have to have the mind to do it. We have to recognize that it doesn't take rocket science or turning the world over.
If we do that connection right, it goes beyond 13. If we're not chasing after behavior but we're creating relationship, it continues into adulthood. We're going for a relationship that creates better human beings, not just behaved human beings or well-behaved children, but better human beings.
Lesson
The key insight is understanding "the question behind the question." Why did Liz ask me if I wanted to play a board game? The question behind the question was: "Will you spend time with me?" Let that sink in. The question behind the question was: "Will you spend time with me?"
We put our sights on that adult we're raising. What do they want and need? What are they asking for? What's the question behind the question? Children need frequent time with dad, not necessarily long elaborate experiences. The simple moments, done with full engagement, are what matter most.
There's no perfect way to do this. There's awesomeness to it, but it's simple. It's very simple, though not always easy. It's simple to do the simple things, to give the simple time that kids are really looking for.
The magic isn't in the activity - it's in your presence and engagement. When children ask for activities, games, or adventures, they're really asking for connection with you. Understanding this transforms how you respond to their requests and helps you prioritize relationship over elaborate plans.
Apply
Write down in the Doobly Doo today: What's your magic sauce for loving, nurturing, and raising children? What's your simple thing that is amazing to the kids that they're really looking for? Share something practical that other fathers can learn from.
Think about recent requests from your children this week. What was the question behind the question? Were they asking for an activity, or were they asking "Will you spend time with me?"
Identify one area where you've been overcomplicating connection with your kids. How could you simplify it to focus on frequent, engaged time rather than elaborate plans? What's one simple thing you could do with each of your children this week that requires minimal planning but maximum presence?
You be blessed!
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