Editing - Scriptshadow.net's Amateur showdown Tilly Edition. Want edits? Go to finalbossediting.com
1VOTE: THE GRID
Tilly Willy
L - doesn't indicate the direction this would go, so leaning against this. Want a hint of how it's going to play out.
Blood Law
L - good contrasting ideas in the LL but there's not even a hint as to how those tie together in a cohesive way.
The Gateway
L - having a random magical hell door seems a bit coincidental. Why these people? Is it just they're Christian?
L - the progressive couple doesn't feel like it overlaps with a demon door (it does overlap a little with conservative parents, but the demon door doesn't fit)
The GRID:
L - There is a connection in the logline - the concept seems cool.
P1 - A little purple prose, but we start with "movement" so I'm in so far.
P1 - "What you found" - setting up a mystery box, and getting a sense of urgency from the action of the scene.
P1 - Third dialog feels a little clunky - You better tell me. -- Tell me.
P1 - We are getting a lot of sentence fragments, I don't mind it yet, but just be sure they're not carrying too much of the drama.
P2 - Intro to newsdash feels like it could be trimmed.
P2 - Verbal doubling in "Employees crisscross" // all the motion -- just mention once, and trust the reader will get it.
P2 - Dialog feels a little fatty - again while running.
P3 - The dialog is so "snappy" it's losing some CLARITY which I feel is a bad trade, however, I like the fact that the scene turns from Tory being in control to her being under Nick's sawy.
P3 - We've had a timeline per page at this point - I am not sure when the present moment is. Is there any way to avoid jumping around so much. I just wanna see the story.
P6 - This does not need to be a flashback. Trust the good work you've done in establishing that nick is smart - Just stay in scene and give us the video
P6 - I wanna see how Tori's awesome composure looks from the outside. Don't just rely on the actors to figure out how to portray this interior thought. Actually give some ideas.
The WELL:
L - My concern with the logline here is that there's no clear goal. Think of up. That had "get to the adventure island goal." This suggests that the protagonist might be more reactive which hurt drama.
P0 - Perhaps cut the first draft mention?
P1 - Preface - this feels like it belongs in a book, not a screenplay. If you do want to keep it, be sure to NOTATE HOW THIS WILL LOOK ON SCREEN.
P1 - This is heavily written - I would drasctically trim this p1 to the bare bones, keep one or two of these great details, and let the set designer fill in the rest.
P1 - The self flagellation should be mentioned ASAP - para 2 if possible
P1 - How do we SHOW this deep sorrow. Maybe he beats himself too? OR do they touch foreheads? And how do we indicate routine.
P1 - SFX should be all caps
P2 - Again the action lines should be trimmed by 50-70%
P1-2 - the sluglines seem oddly setup - I'd try to order these correctly.
P2 - Fatima's dialog varies between extremely mystical and clipped to overly long and descriptive.
P3 - This have a child thing feels like a non-sequitur. I kind of get it's this couple's shorthand, but it happened earlier, and it feels like this scene is wandering too much.
P4 - The transition between exposition points is rough, and making the dialogue feel on the nose. The sad part is, it's stopping you from setting up these great lines.
P4 - Beware early flashbacks. I can't say whether this is going to be a deal breaker, but it definitely makes your job harder, cause the reader is guessing whether that first scene was a teaser or what?
P4 - Don't get too into the character's appearance - remember we'll have actors. It's usually more effective to give a detail or two about appearance and focus more on stuff like clothes since that implies who they are.
P4 - The song should be formatted as dialogue cause that's waht it is.