Editing - Go Back (non-fic) and An Elephant Never Forgets (Screenplay)
0An elephant never forgets:
P1 - we're getting a lot of adverbs in here. Necessary?
P1 - I like the poacher / hunter intro seems pretty cool - there are good stakes - though we're still getting a human perspective
P2 - I like the "perfect" kid failing at the giraffe - the ability to take life
P2 - I'm missing Charile's reaction to having missed - didn't he want to miss? And why, if he's such a boss, can't he stand up to mom?
P3 - I'm getting a little more confused about the mom/son dynamic? - it feels like the son doesn't want to shoot, and wants to miss, but then he's proud of having hit something?
P3 - Rob's intro is a lil weak - we say he's kind, but what's an ACTION he can take - Action or dialogue is the BEST way to intro a char - so give him something he's doing to show his kindess? maybe he tries to rub charlie's head, but he brushes him off?
P4 - The Radio work? ... formatting seems a little weird
P4 - I'm kind of weirded out by the fact I'm not getting any emotional follow-up from the intense mom telling charlie to kill a giraffe? Isn't that illegal? What would their guides say if they had any? Is the dad cool with this? Why are the kids bored - being forced to kill giraffes seems intense.
P4 - I haven't been sure about what each character has wanted out of each conflict situation - ie did Charlie want to kill the giraffe or let it live?
P5 - We're losing a little bit of conflict - We had that intense mom moment, which felt like a bigger issue, but everyone is joking about the backstreet boys like it's something fun to kill giraffes
P5 - I want some tight cause and effect - it currently just feels like chunks of stuff without cause and effect built in.
P5 - why is he refusing money? isnt' he a paid guide - and why is the mom nice and giving away monty all of a sudden?
P6 - again - the leaving feels a little off - they'rej ust heading somewhere else - nothing is really building. It feels like the only thing we see is Charlie having trouble choosing, but that's a much weaker flaw than not wanting to kill a Giraffe...
P7 - I get that Kumbo is going to do a bad thing and give them a elephant, but why does it matter that there's a storm? or that they met Mothibi ? Why not just have the lady bribe kumbo or open up on the elephant shooting?
P7 - The "can't choose" flaw feels a little flat. There's no emotion tied to it. It applies the same with murdering animals and picking dvds - it's not like "Charlie wants to preserve life, but he wants to please others so much he's willing to kill to make his mom happy." -uber ppl pleasing-
OVERALL:
GOOD:
--love the concept
--the writing is super sharp and tight and working
--I like the extreme characters of the family (but we need a "straight" character -- one who is NORMAL compared to the crazy family)
IMPROVE:
--Turn your ands into therefores --- a lot of stuff happens, but it doen't feel like it's happening in a smooth sequence.
--Want a better flaw - one that really has emptions tied to it
--Want a consistent built to emotion, we kind of just jump to event from event, but don't have a chance to let the consequences from one scene drip into the other in the emotional relaitonship in the family.