Editing - Scriptshadow's Amateur Showdown - Grandma Got Run Over
0VOTE: SINKING
Here's the recording of my feedback:
Here are the line by line notes.
Sinking:
LL - all the prepositional phrases seem a lil clunky - in the boat on the ocean in the...
P0 - I like that the title page is minimalistic, but I'd be 100% sure the pictures of the boat are necessary.
P1 - I feel like the intro is overwritten - the middle paragraph in the first is all we need - also spend a lot of time on this moving camera direction.
P1 - If you give a character more than 2 lines, name them, and you'll sometimes find they automatically get more flushed out, and sometimes you can bring them back later in the story. (there is some risk early on makign a reader focus too much on a throwaway char tho)
P2 - I like the grabbing the pens moment.
P2 - I feel like while I like workplace satire, the hook is still soft. I don't need much. Just a HINT of the sinister that's coming.
P3 - This "alice's miserable life" could be a montage - and just a series of shots - there is a LOT on the page for a LITTLE bit of information being communicated.
P4 - I want to see something SURPRISING - the depressed lady contemplating taking too many pills is something that LOGICALLY FOLLOWS so it doesn't surprise me. Give me something dynamic. NEw.
Willowwood:
LL - like the truman show premise, but for me branching realities feels a lil overdone - I'm not getting a new, strange attractor.
P1 - Feels overwritten - for example P2 could have just had the last sentence in there, as a reader, I don't care so much about writerly voice, I care a lot about seeing a PLOT begin.
P1 - There's a lot happening on this page... and the voice slows me from getting to the UNIQUE meat of your story. Also the tone seems to shift between elbow bumping jokes and really cruel dark things. Hard to find my footing.
Heck - XX
LL - I like the premise. It has a nice ambiance to it.
LL - This dog bit feels a Little like John Wick - I wonder if there's another angle - prize cow? something that isn't too close.
P1 - The first page is clean and well executed, but I want at least a HINT of future conflict to come... Not a strong hook.
P2 - Beat - is always a missed opportunity. It usually spaces down a full line which means, you could have written a sentence with worldbuing or character dev in it.
P3 - The 1:1 names feel a little slapstick and make the tone sillier. Perhaps just the same First initials, not 90% of the same names?
P3 - The prohibition dialogue is a bit on the nose exposition. And it also REPEATS a fact we already know--"it's prohibition" - we ONLY NEED TO MENTION PROHIBITION ONCE.
P4 - Percy seems mentally addled to me since he's definitely missing the gravity of the situation in a pretty big way.
P4 - Yes the purpose of the early pages is setup, but you also must ensure that the story is moving forward, and this partiular scene seemed to just operate as exposition
P5 - another mention of prohibition here, TRUST that your writing did a good job and the reader picked it up the first time.
Kill Grandma
LL - this made me blink, but I'm game.
LL - A little similar to Get Out
P1 - It's a tough - there are a lot of REUSED images in these screenplays. A hand popping out of the grave is something we've seen a lot. IS there a new way to represent this resurrection? How do we revive these old tropes?
P1 - The voiceover is tough because it doesn't intro me to a character (at least not one I see) and the "magical" phenomenon we're witnessing is impressive if we think in terms of REAL life but in FILM language, this is stuff we see all the time.
Lipstick Hitlist
LL - I like the chess idea a lot, but I'm having a little trouble piecing together the disparate elements of a the cop and the witch - My brain is seeing "Bright" but maybe just a little bit in the LL about how these two worlds fit together.
P1 - This Jon C description is very much ABSTRACT - how can we drive this to the concrete? - What clothes is he wearing? Is he figeting with something? Is he doing something DIFFERENT than every happy person in the room. SHOW SHOW SHOW.
P1 - These character descriptions with the big paraenthesis are not super successful.
P1 - Again, looking for something new and a HINT of what the future conflict might be on p1 and I'm not getting it.