Editing ScriptShadow's Amateur Offerings! The Notorious and Helldorado!
0VOTE: Helldorado
The NOTORIOUS!!!!!!!!!
P1 - A lot of these snazzy talking jokes in the action don't translate well to film.
P1 - NEED a slugline.
P1 - DESCRIBE A shot that is gloomy don't say they're gloomy
P2 - I don't know if you NEED the movie trailer bit
P3 - How can we SEE and know the Ocelot is the mom's spirit if we were watching this?
P3 - cause mech jammed -- fix grammar!
P4 - Why not just start the story here?
P4 - What does "less cyborg-ish" look like? Are there more bits of cat?
P5 - the its his wife thing feels hyper un-established
P6 - Don't know if Sabatu is robot, mom, animal or what percentage of each?
P8 - A's connection with Victoria is interesting, but only understood through telling - can you show us an in=scene reaction?
GOOD:
-- Fun premise and cool characters
-- Like the idea of a post-apoc world and the setup
-- Mech animals are awesome concepts
IMPROVE:
-- Remove the extra setups - feels excessive
-- In your writing SHOW SHOW SHOW - try a draft with no asides, and no fancy stuff or other movie references
-- Make it story driven rather than performance and style driven
Helldorado:
P1 - avoid stuff like "A beat" since you lose the opportunity to show us more of the scene by telling us what happened IN The beat
P3 - What except being murdered was Rebecca expecting - give us a better sense of HER PLAN A
P4 - Feels a little telly with Lang's description
P5 - delete the "A beat" on p4 and let your action lines do the great work they're doing
P5 - We don't need this dialogue / action / dialogue that much espcially since the scene dynamics aren't changing that much.
P5 - By the end of page 5 the looking for Adam feels repetitive -- TRUST YOUR READER.
P8 - We need to get to this knock a LOOT earlier - this scene plays the confusion beat for a long time - it needed a twist
P9 - Do we need this landlord scene? Why doesn't he just shove the package to him and let Lang and Andy deal with it?
GOOD:
-- I like the setup of Adam - he's creepy and cool
-- You have a strong writing style - trust it!
IMPROVE:
-- Speed it up! Cut time!
-- Need to know why to care about the girl, and about Lang. What are their goals?
-- Try to combine dialogue into a flow without action between. Let the words and the context of the dialogue suggest what action is transpiring.