Editing the Latest Script by Majin and Mr Ouldy #amediting #screenwriting
0Inky Magicat
P1 - Why italicize v. underline for Victor the Great?
P1 - The make shift stage - where is it? Spend some time setting the scene? Are there people here? is there an audience?
P1 - The screechy stand bit in front of an audience is a bit I've seen before will want to see how this is "freshened up" and made new for this story
P1 - LOTs of magic fail examples in the montage - we get it after a while - so pick the best 3
P2 - Tomas's description needs to be a bit more visual - what does breezy brashness LOOK LIKE? Leather jacket? Smoking a cigarette?
P3 - I'm curious to see why Tomas would sacrifice his BELOVED DS for a trick he knows is probably wrong. Wouldn't he suggest another item first? Even if he does cave for his affection for Daniel.
P4 - This first scene just underlines what we learn on p1 - that Daniel is an aspiring magician - I want to see a change of forture - something going great or bad for Daniel because of his choices.
P4- Tomas's change feels sudden - was this an audition? I thought this performance was for friends?
P5 - This is the change of fortune I wanted - I feel like we can get to the "paying for friend" moment sooner - not much but a little faster
P5 - When he looks inside and finds a broken nintendo, I'm not surprised. I would be impressed if he'd actually pulled that one off - then he maybe gives it back and says you underestimated me.
P5 - Ricky's intro feels a little funky since I'm wondering how I'd know he's these things // precocious and so forth with only video
P6 - This comedic timing of the commercial happening exactly the moment they are talking about these feels very SLAPSTICK - I think that's what your going for, but it makes some stuff feel easy. Also would two smart, well dressed people really bite on a video commercial?
P7 - Two smart people would pick out that something weird is going on at the mention of practicing magic
P8 - I like the magic cat's magic - feels cool
P9 - A lot of clarity needs to happen in this scene - certain things are linked and I'm not sure you intend it - his escape and the cats running for tuna and coffee seem to be tied together - like that triggered the release - just go in and clarify - and if there's an easy way out, why is he panicking?
P10 - this dialogue feels like it's coming out of left field and it's confusing. I think what you're going for is that with the necklace he can talk to cats? - BUT why did he panic, and how did the cat help him get out? or was it a goldfish?
P10 - The snappy dialog is starting to inhibit clarity a little bit.
P10 - Andre intro - do old people have bags?
P10 - stuffing the pastry in mouth - feels random and just underlines the feeling of a lot of stuff happening so it's hard for me to know what's important as the reader - perhaps lead with the scene / convo first then intro this characteristic of eating compulsively
P11 - I like Vanessa's character - seems engaging
P12 - forint - typo
OVERALL:
GOOD
-- I like the houdini getting moved out part of the story the most - that hooked me in and got me starting to read--perhaps lead with this v. daniel?
-- Loved the language's flow - everything read smoothly
-- Cool world of magic and cats that are smart. I love cats!
IMPROVE:
-- Character intros need a rework. Clarity first, then visual aspects. How can we SEE these traits as if they were on a screen. What characteristics or first lines or clothes could suggest all this stuff?
-- Feels like fast movement and snappy moments are being used to create conflict and drama but that never works as well as a goal / obstacle combo cause there's no real stakes in the former.
-- Character action's motivations might need an extra look - some actions feel off in terms of motives.