Part 1: Editing "Her" and "Tip of Oz" - Ask your writing questions too! #editing #storytelling
0Tip of Oz
P0 - I prefer simple title pages, but this is clever. Also blue is a bit surprising early on - I always encourage writers to KEEP IT SIMPLE!!
P1 - "still in her nightgown." feels like it's modifying the subject (Tip)
P1 - WC - half-awake
P2 - Confused about the backpack grabbing & how she knew he robbed the wagon
P2 - At this point, especially after a long "line" from Tip, I'd expect him to at least SUGGEST WHY they're doing this and why it's so rushed.
P2 - They see the powder ... -- The powder IGNITES.
P2 - Where is the urgency to blow up the witch coming from? If Tip is so "LET'S GO!" that he gave Dorothy a speech, why does he shrug off the perceifed failure of this plan with an "awesome"
P3 - "me." is an orphan on Dorothy's line - might save some space to trim. Also be SPECIFIC in dialogue even. What is the Exact thing Unk. H wants?
P4 - HOW does Tip think? What does it look like? Scratches chin? Frowns?
P5 - The action gets a little fuzzy - did the table break to make this see saw? How exactly is this laid out? I do get it 90% which is okay, but it still could be a bit more concrete
P6 - The action lines seem oddly laid out here - each seems to have its own line, but no space between that would normally separate a new line of action
P6 - Make sure when representing singing you've checked another screenplay with singing and makes sure it looks the same.
P7 - Is death the penalty of cake stealing? That's pretty harsh. This makes Glenda feel like an antagonist
P9 - What is Tip's MORE? In the context of the scene it could be venues of escape OR it's like food (cake) - but is there something bigger? Is this a better life free from crime? - that needs a hint to suggest
P7 - What does MONEY have to do with what Dorothy's trying to accomplish? I knew she wants to keep Toto safe, and I know she wants to get something for Uncle H which requires $$, but I don't know how uncle H's gift = toto's safety
OVERALL:
GOOD:
-- Love the tone and I think the flow of song is working well
-- I think it was a GREAT idea to bring Dorothy in - she's a character we all know and can serve as an anchor in.
-- I liked the flow of action and description in this draft.
IMPROVE:
-- Tighten and clarify the motivation moments
-- The first scene about blowing up the witch feels a bit oddly placed - I'm guessing it's a flash forward and I'm not sure how it ties in to the future action. It also is a bit confusing graping Tip's character here. Does he want to kill the witch or just watch a cool explosion? He seems to lean toward both, but they're exclusive.
-- Glinda's scene and Tip's robbery feels like it could be polished and tie into Dorothy's dilemma a bit more - how does this Robbery influence the plot besides giving us information about the "Ground situation" of Dorothy being gone?