FBE - "The Life Interstellar" Sci-fi novel edits
0THE LIFE INTERSTELLAR
P1 - cool blade appendage
P1 - consider starting with a bit more scene description since
I don't know what a "standard suite" looks like ? a room with
row after row in a hallway?
P1 - interesting to see non-conventional dialogue done well, but
I'd still encourage you to take a look
P1 - consider giving a little more discription and VISUAL
P2 - DRIVE for concrete visuals first -- since your imagery will
be mistaken as the visual.
P4 - relatable - teen angst -- everyone has experienced this.
P4 - long piece of dialogue - beware of these EARLY dialogue chunks
P1-5 - avoid building mystery around the scene and what's happening
since this confuses the reader - DO build myestery around WHY its this
way and what will happen because of it.
P6 - bring some stakes into this scene -- what could go wrong if
the mom doesn't handle this well?
P6 - faceted eyes // word dupe
P10 - good relatable moment - good for the parents not really
understanding child and its a solid wrap up
P11 - WHAT DOES SHE GAPE AT?? - be sure to DESCRIBE VISUALLY the new
experience the character is going through or the reader feels detached
P12 - don't worry about overdescribing the tech experience we get its
new and that words pop up in normal language now -- use this space
for scene description
P12 - were they all naked?
P15 - looks like they has-- don't forget to do a grammar pass down the road
P15 - I'm looking for a goal or some "problem" to solve it seems
like we're just going to school with the hume
P16 - EVERY TIME YOU SWITCH SCENE - give 1 paragraph ONLY for description
P18 - jobe setup is good, but why is he talking to her now? does
he know something -- she hasn't gotten his name before?? why now?
P20 - good cutting psychological distance here by getting into
the character's thought
P22 - there is social conflict, but no stakes that are super engaging
AND I don't get that clear direction forward yet, so there's conflict
but little movement or CHARACTER CHOICES
P22 - "the good kind" is a nice moment
P24 - hoping to see Ellie FIGHT BACK!!! or for the new thing to be evil
P30 - this is becoming a long exposition scene without much conflict
just question and answer dries up a little -- really need those
conflict and story hooks kicking in soon.
P31 - seems more like a weapon than a water transport -- maybe the
people that die are humans?!@?#!@!!@!
P33 - longer chapter and I wonder if EVERY detail is necessary
stick to the technical details that factor into the scene and story
and cut everything else
P33 - the "On not she..." is implied in the dialogue itself - trust
your dialogue, and try not to say something the reader already assumes
OVERALL:
GOOD
--dialogue is solid -- I like when you do have the tit for tat
--I like the world and conflict, and I love that you bring relatable
emotions into it.
--liked it - wanted to keep reading -- just need a bit of clarity
and polish - cool idea - the outsider theme is strong .
IMPROVE:
--long chapter 2 - beware of not breaking this up a little /
make it similar to your first and third chapters
--avoid long dialogue chunks if possible
--Ensure EVERY scene has conflict -- and sensory description (sight /
smell / hearing / feel / taste)
--drive to your first big plot hook sooner -- doesn't have to be your
main story arc, but I'd cut some of the exposition in the scenes
until you have the readers hooked on a dynamic plot. -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/final_boss_editing