FBE - Editing Demon Priestess and ProLOGue
1Demon Priestess and ProLOGue
Demon Priestess:
P1 - show me sneaky and foxy - what does it look like and
ensure a clear image with the knees
P1 - Good use of parenthetical
P1 - the fact that she's praying SHOWS me that she believes
in god - no need to rehash in character description
P1 - LYDIA only needs caps the first time, and highlight
the ninja move a bit more to clarify that she's not just
a peaceful churchgoer
P2 - seems a bit funny that Brother Pitt wouldn't notice
this girl having a demonic seizure as he leaves the church
P3 - I thought her blindfold burned up... did she have
a spare?
P3 - feels a bit exposition heavy right now -- is there
a way to infuse conflict -- maybe she's still struggling
with the demon when she give the speech?
P4 - dialogue seems a bit on the nose - where's pitt...
he is here... Good, let's go... -- if we just end up
in the room after exchange, might be worth cutting it.
P5 - This scene makes Kurt a little creepy even if shes'
blindfolded -- is this intended
P5 - I like the characters and the cool element of the
blindfold, but I want these earlier scenes to built up
to a first big narrative moment a little earlier
P5 - I'd highlight that she can see even though blindfolded
rather than saying like normal -- a bit more telling --
give her an action -- she preps her face like she can see.
P6 - red eyes are cool and she has it under control, so
there's not much tension with this -- show me how this
will hurt a character relationship / or her goals
P7 - for your flashback use proper formatting ie in the
slugline have -- FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK
P7 - seems like odd behavior from a priest and it's not
explained - is he just cruel, is he afraid of her eyes
and trying to get the demon out??
P7 - Makes sure your flashback influences the outcome
of the present scene
P8 - she's a bit brazen about how she can't see but
really can
P9 - so a clue is good, but if I don't know what the
clue is for or why I should care, it doesn't pack much
punch
OVERALL:
GOOD:
--like that we see the character in public / private (w friends)
/ alone
--I like the red eyes mystery - curious to learn more here
IMPROVE:
--Establish a goal early and ensure it's 100% clear to everyone
--Make every scene count for that goal or character -
the sermon scene seems a bit unnecessary as well as the
martial arts scene (ie . shes' not chasing after Alexej)
--Show how she feels about her eyes and why it will STOP
her from achieving her goal or how its hurting her relationships
THE proLOGue:
P1 - Wub wub and onomotopoeia ? are tricky cause they
can sound different to different people - I'd just say "
A chainsaw ROARS to life."
P2 - Character driven moment of "we sunk our life savings into it"
P2 - good intro on Joey etc.
P3 - 50 kids signed up = good problem established
P5 - to me this feels sudden - I'd try to foreshadow
this or give it a setup -- is there a reason the kids
are cursed?? maybe the kids do something here / tamper
with the device or threaten Wyatt and he self-defences
P7 - passionate necking seems a bit ill timed
P9 - clarify the scene dynamics here - I don't get how
the log could corner her this easily and force her in bed
OVERALL
GOOD:
--scene dynamics were really strong - great pacing etc.
--characters were vivid and individual - a lot was
communicated about them in a very short time
IMPROVE:
--hint at the why the log is doing it by showing me some
mystery - maybe after every kill it rolls around in the
blood to imbue the power. something like this can hint at
the log's purpose
--consider not showing what the log can do in the prologue
it feels like you're showing your hand a little early
--its a long prologue - ensure every inch of page here
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