FBE - Edit of Shadows Beyond and A New Generation
0Shadows Beyond
P1 - Traveller / planet - similar to Destiny game
P1 - How to visualize civilizations? Seems off. Visuals might need some
clarification in intro
P4 - Smidge on the nose dialogue - person to pet is tough
P5 - Good showing of the "nightmare" having the pictures as comparison
is a smart move - dialogue may still need some work.
P6 - want to feel the urgency of her RUNNING FROM something a lot more
maybe offer more weight to her 2 pursuers
P7 - how does the EYE hypnosis look? World spin around eyes? etc?
P8 - This drawing / teleport sequence is a bit confusing why
not just teleport directly to the traveler? Raven mounting?
P9 - maybe just take another look at this interaction?
P10 - great use of detail and use of description / writing is strong
P10 - Bored seems like an odd feeling - defeated maybe? show the emotion
banging on windows
P11 - Is she compelled to draw? - wouldn't she be more scared
P11 - would she be this forthcoming with someone who just abducted her?
She seems pretty naieve. Conflict and her resisting his invitation to stay
may help dial this down. Why didn't she ask where she was? or why her
drawings are coming true?
P12 - she's really eating it up -- the red hair is a good connection
P13 - lots of different worlds - pirate / raven / pictures - stardust
also had a really strong goal.
P13 - spent a lot of time on intro sequence -- might cut
P13 - Vivian seems a lot like a "special" mary sue -- what has she suffered?
P14 - a little light on conflict with the team
P15 - good showing of giving
P17 - nice tieback with the eyes and I love the accents
P19 - Is this their competition? I didn't realize there was another
team coming...
OVERALL:
GOOD:
--like the setup and good forward momentum
--writing style even with the added challenge of no sluglines is
really strong
IMPROVE:
--Conflict in every scene if possible
--Dialogue, but I think this could be solve by giving Vivian a
strong goal from P1 - she is pretty reactive
A New Generation:
P1 - Small hill, small street - beware dupe words "small"
P1 - clean up typos / grammar
P2 - Any character who's only asking questions that are being
directly answer is not best for the scene - on the nose & no conflict
P3 - tone seems a bit undefined? the hangman jokes makes the dangerous
sven seem like a noob
P4 - just describe the sounds -- no need to tell me it's like a phone
P5 - feels like we're in new scene here -- slugline? ok screen
P5 - beware double words - screen / screen
P6 - play with puppets / take a bath = a bit of a incongrous tone
P8 - the gathering the dream team scene is a bit too easy -- the gravity
guy is caught without a fight and the flower lady doesn't seem too difficult
P10 - General depp is my hero
OVERALL:
GOOD:
--characters are fun / playful
--great gather the team sequence here as the story kicks off
IMPROVE:
--Grammar / style / spelling are always important - the best resource
I know of here is reading scripts and Screenwriter's Bible (trottier)
--Tonal shifts were a bit jarring - might want to clarify here.
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