Game:

The Simpsons: Bart vs. the World (1991)

Duration: 8:39

403 views

5

Holy fucking Christ, this is fucking abysmal. It's better than 'Bart vs The Space Mutants', but then that's not much of an achievement.

We all know it's shit, that's an established fact; any licensed 'The Simpsons' game on the NES is. You can't deny that. Nobody can. I'm also shit at it, and I have no problem with admitting this, because it's really not my fault.

What I do have a problem with are these fucking spastic controls that make the game unplayable! To get the most obvious problem out of the way first, jump and run are the same button. THE SAME BUTTON. Think about that for a moment. Alright, I can deal with th-... oh wait, no I can't. Nobody can, because you can't fucking jump while running. You have to stop first, and by definition, lose all gained momentum in the process.

Jesus.

Pressing both buttons together lets you do some sort of 'super jump' instead, but remembering this during play when it flies in the face of conventional control methods (and indeed, logic) is a nightmare. What's worse is that Bart slides around like a fucking idiot when you perform this jump, making any already tedious platforming sections near-impossible and enraging when you see the stupid bastard slide off the edge and to his death for the tenth time*. Oh, and you have to build momentum mid-jump. Good luck with that.

Speaking of platforming, it's one picky bastard. Forget the fact that the platforms appear to be protruding from the wall, because as far as the game's concerned you are as far back against the background wall as possible. Don't even look at the eye-grabbing 'block' of these platforms - just stare at the outline on the backwall, because unless your landing is in line with the back of the bastard thing, you can kiss your ass goodbye; you're going down. And get used to it too, because this game loves shitty platforming sections that go on forever. Add to this the incessant sliding around (most gaps after this level DEMAND the 'super jump'), and you're just plain fucked.

I can't take anymore of this one. Fuck this game away to a dark place, somewhere it can't come back from.

(*It's not shown here, because this particular ugly problem reared its head in the next level. Would you believe that the original recording was 12 minutes longer? Seriously! There were 12 fucking minutes of godawful platforming shit that I had to cut because I couldn't get past it in a reasonable time!)