Shite On Toast: X-Men! (NES)
6Oh you TERRIBLE cunts.
LJN strike again with this absolutely awful use of a license.
"It'll take all of your mutant powers to defeat Magneto!!", blares the boxart.
WHAT FUCKING POWERS?! Out of the 6 X-Men you can use, 3 of them - Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Colossus - are utterly useless. Why? Because they don't have anything even close to resembling a power, except for Nightcrawler - he can walk through what's usually impassable terrain, but keels over dead at the drop of a hat anyway. Seriously. He sucks more than should be possible.
But this is all academic anyway, because the attack that these three share is completely worthless, making them just as shitty as each other; the only real difference is how long they can take getting fucked over. All they do is 'punch' the enemies (more on them in a moment), although it looks like they're just... I don't know what it looks like. But it's definitely not punching.
Oh, and Wolverine has no claws, how do you like that? Take the most famous character from X-Men, and take away what everyone remembers most about him. Fucking beautiful. What we actually have is a regular man, with one leg, dressed as Wolverine. And he goes around putting his hand out in front of him to fight bad guys.
As for the other three losers (Cyclops, Iceman and Storm), they can shoot, but they still suck balls. To 'balance' things out, these characters die faster. Some balance that is.
I don't know why the AI has to join in. Pick two characters, fine, but can I at least have total control over both and switch them in and out of the game? You can at least switch to the other character by pressing select, but that's no fucking good if the AI gets your other character fucking killed! It's going to happen again, and again, and again. You're better off taking control of a 'punching' character, setting the AI to a ranged character, then getting yourself killed. When there's only one character alive, you take control, so do this ASAP.
Now as for the stages, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. It's clear that I'm supposed to kill stuff and find the exit, but is there even an exit present in this shitheap? And the game's seriously fucking glitched. If you play the training level, you have no choice but to die when you want to get on with the main 'game'. The bigger problem with this is that when you die here, it fucks up the rest of the screens! You can't see what level you're choosing, which two spastics you're taking into the fight, or anything else at all until the level begins. What a fucking joke.
The enemies are just fucking weird too. Remember any of these from the cartoon or comics? No? Me neither (not that I've read many). Toasters, spare tyres, INVISIBLE SNIPERS. Getting the longed-for Game Over screen can't come sooner.
Fuck this game.