Duration: 5:29

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11

What a fuckfest. It sounds like it could have been good! You play as Conan and just go around hacking shit up in a Golden Axe-like adventure to get your reven...

Wait... what the hell is this shit?

What do I do?

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!

I don't have a manual, so I'm fucked. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing or how to make ANY progress at all. Everywhere just leads to firepits that kill you. Trying to jump past the weird fire-spitting abomination and toward the one open area just results in Conan dropping to his knees and turning into a ball of light.

Agh, I'm fucking dead.

There's what looks like a few items on the ground, but as you can see I found out the hard way that pressing 'down' doesn't let you pick things up. It makes you jump.

That is the most backward shit I have EVER experienced for a jumping control. Why in the name of Christ's cock are there TWO controls for jumping?

Agh, fucking dead again.

And I still have no fucking idea how to pick that sword up!

And that awful poncy music!

This is horrible. Just horrible. Avoid this game like you'd avoid someone trying to smear shit on your face. You stand to gain absolutely nothing by playing this.