Game:

Super Mario Bros. (1985)

Duration: 4:15

638 views

10

Ah, Color Dreams. We meet again; what have you got for me this time?

You probably already know that this is going to be shit. It's Color Dreams, the only game company that's considered worse than LJN. There's no other result possible. But THIS shit? Jesus Christ!

Just look at this mess. Out of the whole screen, only about 40% of it is the active playing field. That's nearly 2/3 of the screen covered up with a pattern of bricks. WHY? What cou-... ah fuck it, it's Color Dreams. There was going to be no thought process during the creation of this piss-poor 'game' at all.

Alright, so let me explain what you do in this pile of crap. You're a giant hand swimming around in... stuff, and the aim of the game is to catch these needlessly suicidal dickheads that seem to be flinging themselves down toward the vat of whatever that shit is (looks like boiling oil or chemicals), and then throw them up again into a pipe from Super Mario Bros.

What happens then? Nothing, you get points and that's it. That's all you do. The way that these retards try and end their own lives changes a bit between levels, but it's the same awful objective each and every time.

The experience is dreadful. There's no fun to be had, the music's mind-numbingly repetitive, the visuals are worse than 1986 averages, the framerate's horrible so the hand jerks around (there's some literal ham-fisted innuendo there) and there's no major penalty for letting any one of these idiots die. You just lose a point. Oh wow, that's some incentive to play properly, because I really care about my score in a game that erases leaderboards whenever you turn it off.

There are no redeeming qualities to this stomach-turning shit at all. The music's shit, the graphics are shit, the sound effects are shit, the gameplay's shit. It's just shit. Total and utter, pure, undiluted shit.

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