Game:

Crystalis (1990)

Duration: 24:20

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13

Nathaniel plays and talks his way through Crystalis for the Game Boy Color, which is a remake of the NES cult classic RPG. Part 3 of 10.

Having seen enough of the Brynmaer area to know that he doesn't want to settle down and raise a family there, our intrepid hero-in-progress Jack heads north to the side of Mt. Sabre with all the dead people. Well, it's one dead guy, really, unless you count the human guards that explode into powder when you kill them. Magic swords do that to people, and it really confuses the forensic scientists.

There's an inn on the mountain that boasts the best food anywhere, which is probably true if they serve Hot Pockets. Jack uses his incredible charm to turn down offers of buying items and sleeping at the inn, then he uses his incredible harm to slay a bunch of monsters on and inside the mountain.

After what feels like exactly five minutes and 47 seconds, Jack stumbles upon the kidnapped villagers of Leaf. He charitably condemns them to death when he frees them from prison and walks away before anyone thinks to ask for his help in guiding an entire unarmed village back home through a series of confusing and hazardous locations.

As the villagers presumably make their way down the mountain, Jack confronts General Kelbesque (which my spell-checker insists should be "General Burlesque") and drives him away with wind power. Using the Key to Prison, Jack opens a nearby gate and discovers that prison looks an awful lot like a tunnel with a preposterously fun ice slide at the end of it.

Emerging just outside the port city of Portoa, Jack puts his newly learned Paralysis spell to use on the natives, whom he then greets in the usual fashion. When his HP drops too low to safely greet any more natives, he pays a visit to Portoa and rests up for a big day in the cave behind the waterfall. Tragically, his vacation there is cut short by two people who didn't have had the decency to get turned to stone somewhere other than right in front of a crucial staircase, so Jack returns to town to get a big hammer to smash—I mean, uh, to talk to the queen, or the fortune teller, or whomever's available at the moment, for guidance.

In a twist worthy of Inception, it is revealed that the fortune teller is actually the queen, who is actually a Wise Man, who is actually a woman. She gives Jack a Flute of Lime, which would be funnier if it were a Flute of Lemon, because then I could make a joke about how "When life gives you Flute of Lemons..." But then, "Flute of Lemonade" isn't all that funny to begin with, so be glad it's just a Flute of Lime.

Wait. I've got it. It's a toasting flute, like for champagne, right? And it's filled with a drink that has notes of lime in it. I'm so clever.

Anyhow, Jack returns to the waterfall cave and blows the fruity flute, which turns the stoned people fruity colors for a moment. Trippy. It turns out they are none other than the real queen and her unnamed handmaiden, who we'll call Sabé.

Sabé is never heard from again. Presumably the queen feeds her to the monsters on the way back to Portoa.

Meanwhile, the villagers of Leaf are huddled around the patch of poisonous ground next to the river near Brynmaer, wondering how the heck they're going to get across it safely without Rabbit Boots.

Deeper inside the waterfall cave, Jack finds the Sword of Water, another Flute of Lime, and the unfortunate Akahana, who has been turned to stone. Don't think too hard about the logistics of Akahana getting past all the barriers on Mt. Sabre as well as the petrified queen and handmaiden blocking the stairs to get here.

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