Game:

Crystalis (1990)

Duration: 25:44

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35

Nathaniel plays and talks his way through Crystalis for the Game Boy Color, which is a remake of the NES cult classic RPG. Part 1 of 10.

The game kicks off with an opening cutscene that is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from the NES version, followed by a title screen that is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from the NES version, followed by a name entry screen that is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from the NES version, followed by all the same stuff you'll see in the NES version.

Jack, our sleeping warrior-magician and soon-to-be hero, steps out of his high-tech sleeping chamber and begins his journey by blowing up the side of a cliff. Thankfully, no buildings have been constructed on the side of the cliff since Jack was sealed away a century ago. I mean, it would've been awkward to explode the wall and end up in some dude's living room while he's watching General Hospital or something.

Jack follows a surprised man back to the village of Leaf, where it's apparently the local custom to hand out money and swords to random strangers. Now equipped with the Sword of Wind and dragging around some armor he'll remember to put on eventually, Jack heads out into the field to carve up some monsters who, judging from what's left behind after they're defeated, subsist on a steady diet of cash. He also meets Zebu (pronounced "Zebu"), a wise man. You can tell he's wise because he lives in a cave; you'd have to be a fool to rent a place in Leaf for the prices they're asking.

We soon discover that the Alarm Flute has become an endangered item since the NES version; once freely available in multiple shops, the last surviving Alarm Flute resides in a special nature preserve (a cave) constructed especially for the GBC version. Jack removes it from its comfortable habitat and uses it to wake the miller, thus driving the noble flute to extinction when he probably could've just shaken the guy and said, "Hey, wake up."

Jack receives a key from the miller and uses it to activate a windmill, which somehow blows a hole in the side of another cliff. "Come to Leaf!" the tourist booklet says. "Our exploding cliffs are a perennial favorite!" For cutting the miller's nap short by, like, 20 minutes, Zebu teaches Jack the magic of Refresh, which is activated by hitting the F5 key in his Web browser.

The next part of this incredibly professional video takes us into a cave filled with challenges that include obnoxious bats, poisonous slimes, non-poisonous slimes, slithering dragon snakes, shutting off your screen saver, and rock monsters. Jack obtains the Ball of Wind, which accelerates the erosion process like nobody's business, instantly destroying any rock walls participating in the "I Want to Get Blown Up" program sponsored by the Leaf Bureau of Tourism.

Jack clears up centuries of misconceptions about garlic and holy water by proving all it takes to kill a vampire is repeated stabbing with a Sword of Wind. As a reward for this heroic deed, Zebu shows up to give Jack a pair of Rabbit Boots, which allow him to act like a moron in public. It is unclear whether the boots are made from rabbits, made by rabbits, or made for rabbits.

On the other side of the cave is the town of Brynmaer. Jack spends a little time getting to know the locals, inadvertently sending one of them to his death. This is why you don't talk to strangers, kids: you'll kill them by accident. As penance, Jack heads out into the field and allows himself to be struck several times by enemy throwing axes. Either that, or he's demonstrating why axe-jumping never caught on as an Olympic sport. It's hard to tell with this guy.

While exploring this new location, Jack discovers a glaringly obvious box alongside the river containing an Onyx Statue, whose alleged misplacement by a man named Akahana strains credibility. Jack returns the probably-never-bothered-to-look-for-it statue to Akahana, and is handsomely rewarded with an ugly Gas Mask. Jack also wanders into someone's home and is poked and insulted until he leaves. Repeatedly.

Incapable of wearing boots and a mask at the same time, Jack meanders into a poisonous swamp with only Rabbit Boots for protection and quickly learns he can't breathe through his feet. Equipping the Gas Mask instead, he fights his way through the swamp creatures and makes it to the village of Oak. The village is populated by dwarves who speak a language that is devoid of vowels and consonants and consists solely of dots. Maybe the dwarves speak Braille.

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