Live Edit: Scriptshadow's First 10 Pages Competition
0VOTE: The Twenty-Four Graves // Roman Plagues
Notes on Pages:
Late for a Flight: B-
-- a chase is hard to care about if we don't know what you're chasing. Just a hint - is it personal / a daugher / a bomb?
The Leper Cave: B
-- I like the irony of the COLD 10 YO
-- Confusing why she'd bring him something? Is he being creepy or is he super nice? or what?
The Woman who Disturbed: A-
-- A block of text with no dialogue is a lil rough for a 1st page, not insurmountable though.
-- I don't like the writerly asides too much personally expecially the onces less in flow of the narrative
-- I like the interesting twist - of the woman getting up, it mirrors zombie tropes a little closely but kissing the mouse adds personality I seldom see.
Cop Stop: B+
-- like the opening line - implies coersion / a unfriendly relationship with the back seat person / and that what's going to be done is interesting.
-- the strange attractor is the Howie Relationship
Waking Up in a Pool: B-
-- A little over-described
-- Imagery is good, but this could be a lot shorter
Confused Soldiers: B-
-- I liked the use of Jargon, but Fox did not.
-- IS it too overhyped?
-- Misspelling on P1 O_O
The Art of Pick-Pocketing A- JEFF'S PICK
-- I like that this seems more on the efficient side of things
-- I want to see IN SCENE (and not only in description) what makes Alice worth watching?
Pterodactyl Bliss: B-
-- Still struggling with the authorial intrustion. Describe the scene in a way that makes me sit back with beauty
-- Not much of a character to follow
-- The anachronisms are making the world of the story a little shaky
Roman Plagues: A- FOX's PICK 1
-- How do we "see" This haunting - this is film - we can't have interiority like this.
-- I like the POV of the raider vs the normal
-- Liked the surprise of hunter to hunted - a p1 twist like that is tough to pull off.
Don't Take The Phone: B+
-- (beat) - take this oppty to describe what's filling the beat. HE grumbles to himself.
-- Who is the baddie? - interesting that we both thought the "dangerous one" was the other character.
Cocaine Problems: B-
-- The power of thousands gods line rings false even in the gritty setting.
-- The one line paragraphs are getting a little grating and make the page hard to digest
-- feels like it's trying too hard to be edgy.
Police Star:
P2 - overstating the "settlement house" // Diabeetus line - might do a slight dialogue pass
P2 - this conversation feels a little tactical like 2 ppl making a plan rather than something that's really kicking me off to a strong start?
P3 - how do we visualize (this is film) that she doesn't to go?
P4 - I think the pickpocket moment is really well timed.
P4 - wallet?
P5 - Dialogue is getting a little clunky here. NOt sure if this is an attempt to mimic the period, but it's not ringing as normal
P6 - she's such a pushover for her husband, I have trouble believing that she'd seize someone and detain them. Maybe showing her grit to normal folks could happen in the first scene where she's teaching, and we can see she has a special weakness to her husband - maybe guilt because's he's breadwinning?
The Twenty-Four Graves:
P2 - Good to only have the translation parenthetical once to establish - great job.
P3 - the barbarians are a lil dumb - they saw this horrific scene and they just walk into it??
P4 - Antonio's intro run a lil long - break it up perhaps?
P4 - I like the cigarette / crying action but I feel the dilaogue is a lil clunky
P5 - "Friends or enemies" this needs to be shown, not interior thought since that can't be represented on screen // neither do we need the "they are friends"