Editing Scriptshadow's Amateur Showdown - Ex Con Edition
0VOTE: Vulturine
Dead Mileage (X)
- Very vague - not super clear on this logline
- Is this like the trasporter? And I want a hint of what the business is?
- This has some action and mystery, but dudes in masks is something I've seen many times before = I want a hint of the "twist" on the cliche from P1
- Has a fun vibe - the john wic vibe - but the strange attractor was the dog - is there something unique here?
Velveteen Rabbit Redux (X)
-- Why would he want a real rabbit when you can sell that gold rabbit to buy a rabbit farm
-- Are we losing the emotional core by not focusing on the rabbit's journey??
P1 - the quaintness is getting way more space on your first page than I think you need.
P1 - 1945 - is there going to be a superscript showing us this? How will we see the sirs and mam's - just get to dialogue with a sir and maam in it and I'll know this.
P1 - we need to see something unique from P1 - this is the same 5 kids and the same game (baseball)
The Sun Ghost
-- Logline promises something unique
-- Still feel iffy about the mix of supernatural and period piece, but open
P1 - I think I want a sense of THE MAIN KID - I wanna see some emotion or uniqueness to him. Its hard to care about his fight unless something he does makes me care a little at least about him. (this in regards to personality and character)
P2 - If a character has more than 2 lines - name them and it'll push you as a writer to think of them more as a person than a plot point.
P2 - These character description are REALLY spare - are these people we're only going to see for a page or 2? Clothes is one of the EASY ways to show a char's social status / culture etc.
P3 - Definitely want a little more info on the dad and mom cause this will show me where his family stands
P4 - This Matsuo dialogue runs for a long time pretty much unbroken - And one dialogue bit is over 4 lines which ususlly is an indication to trim
P4 - Akane's line is doing so much good work for characterizing the dad, you might not need him to be so on point and on the nose with his dialogue
P5 - We've met a LOT of new characters, and with only Akane getting a bit more description, it's a bit hard to place everyone.
P6 - if that initial sequence was just a bookend - it feels like it needs to be a lot more efficient? - WE have a full bully sequence, but it's tough cause we'll never meet the characters again - I'd only keep that much if say the bullies are the people running the camp
P6 -we also have a TON of characters - can we combine and trim
Bridesmen (X)
-- It doesn't tell me what the real problem is or where it's going to go
-- maybe the doctor doesn't care what is the problem of the screenplay? Or give me a hint of how this is going to play out?
P1 - interesting setup - especially since they meet in the middle of Bree's binges - I'm kind of wonder what BESDIES her attractivenes is catching O's attention.
P1 - Brie is typed so directly early on, this could pose a risk in making her complex later - maybe have some thing that's OFF about her or her image.
Vulturine
-- The only thing that feels OFF for me is the motives - wouldn't it be GOOD for his daughter to be exorcised?
P1 - a little verbose for the 2nd paragraph - smoothing the prose as much as possible is huge for readability
P1 - We're losing a little bit of clarity due to the "talking to us" nature of this voice. Test out having the descriptions be extremely utilitarian.
P1 - a few spelling mistakes on P1 - this is the place if your'e going to triple check something - first 10 pgs
P1 - Again how does the regret play on the SCREEN? How do we know this is what she's feeling?
P2 - The dialogue feels a bit on the nose - especially about the mom
P3 - The intesity of T's dialogue is good, but it does undermine the reality of the world - also would an air marshal gie a little girl a knife out of the blue?
P3 - why doesn't he jsut make Handsy leave? and take his seat
P3 - A cauldron - not sure what it means or HOW TO VISUALIZE THIS ON SCREEN
P3 - Melena - why not just give the name from the get go
P4 - Chech for anachronistic language
P5 - Fun exchange, but I'm wanting to get a sense of something bigger happening or even a small problem
P5 - Her relationship to Trent is not super clear? Does she like him? Did she have a past with him?
P6 - We need to understand WHY the two priests might be a risk BEFORE They get on the plane?