Game:

Eternal Champions (1993)

Duration: 4:19

373 views

6

A nightmare from childhood returns... Ugh. What the fuck am I doing?!

This is shit! SHIT! I was going to get drunk before playing this, but it would have just made me very, very ill. In hindsight, I could have just got drunk and not played this...

Oh, fuck.

So then, Eternal Champions... Some people find it to be a great game. Whatever. That's their opinion. A wrong opinion at that.

Graphically, it's fine. Characters are unique in design, animated well, with all sorts of animations and various detailing going for them, but graphics don't mean shit if the gameplay can't match it.

Sounds and music are... eh. They're crap, really. Music is forgettable, and the sounds themselves are flat and bland.

So then, the worst aspect? That's right, it's all in the gameplay! There doesn't seem to be any coherent control scheme at all. Your character just thrashes around with each button press, and for whatever reason almost every attack is short-ranged, slow, and useless, or long-ranged, slow, and... well, useless.

Mash the buttons enough after filling your 'special gauge', and you might launch some mystical special that is... oh for fuck's sake, it's useless too.

How can all these attacks be so useless? BEHOLD! OMNISCIENT AI. Unless the AI is about to attack, it will invariably block or evade your moves. And then retaliate with a bullshit special that in this case not only does a reasonable amount of damage, but freezes your ass on the spot to give them an opportunity to dish out a free beating.

Oh, and the AI will use as many specials as it wants. It literally ignores its own special gauge.

This game is just no fun. I like a challenge, but this game is just above and beyond the definition of 'broken'. And just to rub it in, the son of a bitch assumes you want to continue and flat out shoves you back into the fight without so much as a choice of doing so.

This? Again? Erm, no thanks. I'd rather hit my teeth out with a hammer and drink some bleach than go through that waste of 4 minutes again.

Fuck this game.

I'm off to play SFII.

(As for whether or not it's any fun in 2P, I haven't got a fucking clue. And quite frankly, I don't care. Nobody I knew back during release, or even know now liked this. There was no excuse for such a shitty 1P experience back in 1993. Even Mortal Kombat II wasn't this bent out of shape, and that was notorious for pulling shit out of nowhere.)