When Success Feels Empty The Hidden Difference Between Wants and Needs
When Success Feels Empty: The Hidden Difference Between Wants and Needs
Top o' the Mornin' to Ya!
TLDR: Achieving everything you want while ignoring what you actually need leads to successful misery. The key is understanding that wants are external desires about how others see you, while needs are internal essentials about who you truly are. Meeting your needs first either fulfills your wants naturally or makes them stop mattering so much.
What?
Everything was perfect. It was the pinnacle of my ski coaching career. My programs were dialed in, training schedules were flawless, and I was surrounded by high-performing athletes. On paper, everything was just right. So why did I feel so hollow?
I had this apparent community connection, but it was just for show. Inside, I was totally isolated, probably because of the secret struggles I was chasing. I thought I wanted to be the hero, but I was starving for what I actually needed - purity and real community.
Have you ever reached the top of your mountain, looked around, and realized the view was completely empty? The wall I finally hit wasn't some big dramatic collapse - it was actually the opposite. Everything was going exactly as planned. My athletes were performing, programs were working, people respected me as a coach. But sitting alone in my office after another successful day, I felt completely empty.
That success everyone else could see meant nothing to me. The identity I'd built my entire life around - being the coach - felt like a prison. In that quiet, empty moment, I knew I couldn't keep living this performance anymore.
Why?
I'd spent an entire two decades feeding my wants while completely starving my soul of what it actually needed. Here's the difference that changed everything for me: wants are external desires about how others see you. I wanted recognition, respect, to be seen as the hero coach who had it all together. Wants are always about getting something from the outside world.
Needs are internal essentials about who you actually are. I needed authentic connection, purity in my thought life, to be truly known and accepted with all my struggles. Needs are about being someone on the inside.
Our culture has trained us to chase wants and ignore our needs. We think if we just achieve enough, accumulate enough recognition, build enough success, somehow our deeper needs will automatically be met. But that's backwards. When we starve our needs to feed our wants, we end up successful and miserable.
Scripture tells us, "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?" I had gained everything I wanted but was starving for what I actually needed.
Lesson
When you meet your needs first, your wants either get fulfilled naturally or they stop mattering so much. The breakthrough came when I flipped the script entirely. Instead of asking "What do I want to achieve next?" I started asking "What does my soul actually need right now?"
For me, that meant finding men who could handle my real struggles without judgment. It meant pursuing purity not for performance, but for peace. And it meant shifting from trying to be the hero coach to being an authentic leader who could admit his weaknesses.
This connects directly to the Kingdom Family Leader path: Bless Yourself × Expand Your Territory × Serve His Kingdom. When your needs are met - when you are truly known, truly connected, truly aligned - then your territory naturally expands because you're not performing anymore. You're just being who God created you to be.
Feeling empty after you get what you want isn't a sign that you're broken or ungrateful. It's feedback. It's a signal that you've outgrown the life you've built and you're ready for one that's actually authentic. It's an invitation to stop chasing the echo of what you think success should be and start listening to what your soul really needs.
Apply
Take 60 seconds right now and identify one area where you're trying to lead alone - family, business, or faith. Write down what you've been wanting in that area versus what you actually need.
For example, maybe you want your team's respect, but you need authentic connection with peers who understand your challenges. Maybe you want your kids to behave perfectly, but you need to feel confident in your parenting without comparing yourself to others.
This week, take one concrete action to meet an actual need rather than chasing a want. Reach out to someone for real conversation instead of networking. Pursue growth for your own peace instead of others' approval. Choose authenticity over performance in one specific situation.
Stop performing. Start living. You deserve to feel as good on the inside as your life looks on the outside.
You be blessed!
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If you're ready to stop the cycle of successful misery and discover what your soul actually needs, let's have a conversation about authentic transformation: https://brian.chat/