Why Everyone Misunderstands You: The Hidden Communication Filter System
0Top o' the Mornin' to Ya!
Ever been certain you understood exactly what someone meant, only to discover you completely missed what they were really saying? Or thought you made huge impact on someone, but what they remember as life-changing was something completely different? That's the power of the NLP Communications Model.
When I first entered therapy and recovery, I carried a dangerous assumption: everyone knows what I know and thinks the way I think. I would dismiss differences as anomalies, basically forcing everything I learned from others to fit my internal representation of how the world worked. Breaking out of that pattern made me a better person and significantly better coach.
Bryan was in one of my early mastermind groups. When I reached out for testimonials, I was certain I knew his most transformative moment - when his mindset shifted and he decided to leave his current job for a much higher paying position that would provide for his family while he launched his coaching practice. That seemed like the obvious breakthrough moment.
But when we got on the call, it was completely different. He told me about a time he'd missed his weekly point goal for his diet plan and laughed it off. During our group session, I looked at him with a serious expression and asked, "What's funny about that?" He backed off immediately, mumbling minimization like "well, it's only a few points." From that day forward, he never missed his diet points again. That single question became his lasting memory of transformation.
This perfectly illustrates the NLP Communications Model. There's an external event, but that doesn't directly create our experience. Instead, it goes through our internal processing system where we delete, distort, and generalize information to create our internal representation.
Every second, we're bombarded with 11 million bits of information through our five senses, but our conscious mind can only process about 134 bits per second. So we filter through three primary mechanisms: We delete information, selectively paying attention to certain aspects while ignoring others. We distort information, changing it to fit our existing beliefs and expectations. We generalize, taking one experience and applying it broadly to create rules about how the world works.
My internal representation of Bryan's journey focused on the big career change because that aligned with my coaching framework about breakthrough moments. But Bryan's internal representation was shaped by his personal struggle with discipline and follow-through.
For Kingdom Family Leaders, understanding this model is crucial because it reveals why the same event can impact people in completely different ways. When you're leading your family, business, or community, you're dealing with everyone's unique representation of those events.
This is why two employees can receive the same feedback and have completely different responses, why your kids can experience the same family moment and remember it totally differently, why your wife can hear your words but understand something entirely different than what you intended.
Think of a recent conversation where you felt misunderstood. Ask yourself: What information might they have deleted that seemed obvious to you? How might they have distorted your message based on their past experiences? What generalizations might they be making that are different from yours?
This week, practice asking clarifying questions. Instead of assuming you know what someone means, try "Help me understand what that means to you" or "When you say [their word], what specifically does that look like?"
You be blessed!
Ready to master these breakthrough principles with Kingdom Family Leaders who understand this journey? https://Brian.chat/
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